Frustrating days

I know it’s not my bosses’ faults. I know that we’re understaffed, overbooked, and generally in a constant state of chaos and flux. Things have been rough the past couple of months, with little to no end in sight.

Still, it doesn’t make things any easier knowing this.

It’s my own fault, I suppose. I’m always early. I do whatever I’m asked. I want to help, so when I’m pulled from training for one thing or kept late when I have to be there at nothing in the morning the next day, I don’t say much. Oh sure, I’ll grumble and fuss, but I mean I don’t really complain. I’m trying to be a good worker, a team player, all that jazz.

The most frustrating thing, I would have to say, is that I do it to myself. I don’t speak up for myself and I don’t stick up for myself. I just go with it…until I hit a breaking point.

That point slammed into me like a freight train last night. I was so frustrated and worn out and tired that almost as soon as I clocked out (did I remember to clock out?) and left the building I was in tears. I don’t just mean a couple tears here and there. I mean I was straight-up bawling all the way home and even after I got home. I was just done.

It hit me when I looked up at the clock and realized I had less than twelve and a half hours before I had to be back in the office. By the time I clocked out (seriously, did I even remember to clock out or was I so tired that I just booked it?) it was right at twelve hours. Half a day until I had to be back and working again. Barely enough time to scarf down my dinner and try to relax with some cosplay work before it was time to go to bed. I suppose shoving all those pins in the fabric may have been somewhat cathartic. Kinda.

Someday soon I’m going to have to have a talk with my boss(es) and try to convey my unhappiness. It’s not that I don’t want to work, it’s not that I want to find another job. I just don’t want to feel like one of the only ones who takes the job seriously. I know that’s not the case, but some days it feels like it.

Inescapable slumber

What makes a person extra tired one morning compared to another?

Let’s assume I got the same amount/quality of sleep two nights in a row (hey, it’s possible!). One morning, I wake up normally, with about 15 minutes of grogginess followed by the usual early a.m. what-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-time-before-work dilemma. The next, I wake up, doze off, wake up, doze off sitting up at the computer, wake up, find myself clicking “transfer” on the only Clefairy I have in my Poké-thing (yes, I did that), doze, wake up, etc.

This morning was one of the latter mornings. I was able to fend off my cat for a good hour before finally waking up…or rather, not finally…more like gaining full consciousness for the first time of the morning. Then I tried getting on the computer for a while, but I just ended up nodding off so much that I just went back to sleep for a little while. Then, after waking up again, I went into the craft room to work on cosplay–where I promptly fell asleep sitting straight up on the futon. Head full-tilt backwards, mouth hanging open, probably snoring. I gave up on the cosplay project at that point. Clearly I was not functional enough to be operating a sewing machine. I can’t afford a trip to the hospital to have a needle surgically removed from my finger.

Oddly enough, my husband has been experiencing the same phenomenon today. Extreme grogginess even after being awake for several hours. What causes this? He didn’t complain of a bad night’s sleep, so why is he so tired?

I suppose if I wasn’t so sleepy I could research it or something. But I think I’ll just drink my energy drink and be grateful that I had the morning off today.


Visions of Sleep

Early in the morning

Ere the sun has shown his face

My lids feel heavy

My eyes cross paths

So hard to stay awake

A mere hour before I have to get ready

For the busy day ahead

I need to wake up

To be alert

But my eyes have different ideas

They try to force my hand

To make me sleep again

I can’t let them succeed

I can’t give in

I have a job to do

No time for sleep

No time for resting those eyes

Raise those heavy lids

Force the eyes to stop crossing

My lids will meet once again in slumber

But not until the night

Three long weeks

Thanksgiving is coming up soon, but I don’t know if it will be soon enough.

With as hectic as work has been lately and as many hours as I’ve been getting, I’m becoming increasingly mentally drained. I can’t write. I don’t want to read or sew or draw or, well, do anything. I just want everything to stop.

No, not stop permanently. Just stop long enough for me to recharge. Regain my footing. Keep from losing my ever-loving mind.

I have a couple of tentative half days coming up before Thanksgiving, but I worry that they won’t be enough. There’s always something that needs to be done…and because of that, my brain is trying to shut down. Or at least part of it is. The emotional part. Well, the happy emotional part.

I can’t wait for those four and a half days where nothing is required of me other than to show up and hang out with family.

Three weeks. Three long weeks.