Frustrating days

I know it’s not my bosses’ faults. I know that we’re understaffed, overbooked, and generally in a constant state of chaos and flux. Things have been rough the past couple of months, with little to no end in sight.

Still, it doesn’t make things any easier knowing this.

It’s my own fault, I suppose. I’m always early. I do whatever I’m asked. I want to help, so when I’m pulled from training for one thing or kept late when I have to be there at nothing in the morning the next day, I don’t say much. Oh sure, I’ll grumble and fuss, but I mean I don’t really complain. I’m trying to be a good worker, a team player, all that jazz.

The most frustrating thing, I would have to say, is that I do it to myself. I don’t speak up for myself and I don’t stick up for myself. I just go with it…until I hit a breaking point.

That point slammed into me like a freight train last night. I was so frustrated and worn out and tired that almost as soon as I clocked out (did I remember to clock out?) and left the building I was in tears. I don’t just mean a couple tears here and there. I mean I was straight-up bawling all the way home and even after I got home. I was just done.

It hit me when I looked up at the clock and realized I had less than twelve and a half hours before I had to be back in the office. By the time I clocked out (seriously, did I even remember to clock out or was I so tired that I just booked it?) it was right at twelve hours. Half a day until I had to be back and working again. Barely enough time to scarf down my dinner and try to relax with some cosplay work before it was time to go to bed. I suppose shoving all those pins in the fabric may have been somewhat cathartic. Kinda.

Someday soon I’m going to have to have a talk with my boss(es) and try to convey my unhappiness. It’s not that I don’t want to work, it’s not that I want to find another job. I just don’t want to feel like one of the only ones who takes the job seriously. I know that’s not the case, but some days it feels like it.