I’m not quite sure where I’m going
I barely know where I’ve been
I want to do more than I’m doing
But I don’t know how, why, or when
I’m not quite sure what I’m doing
I don’t know quite where to begin
To do things is not really helping
To do not seems more of a sin
I’m not quite much help as a listener
And speaking always comes out wrong
I don’t quite know what I can do
I don’t quite know how to be strong
Category: Stress
Livin' on the edge
This weekend marks the event where I’ll participate in my first tournament, and my stomach is in knots. I have no grand aspirations to actually win the tournament, but I’m going to try my best and see how far I can get. The problem is, I’m terrified of making a fool of myself. I know I’ll be up against people who have years and years of experience on me (I haven’t even been practicing rapier for six months yet), so barring some miraculous stroke of luck I don’t think I’ll get very far. So why am I doing it?
Well, it’s partly because rapier fighting is fun. I enjoy it, and it gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I do well. It’s the first sport that I’ve ever come close to being good at. It’s also partly a stubbornness thing, because I don’t want to chicken out. I want to at least be able to say that I participated, that I tried.
This weekend is also our induction into a HEMA rapier group, which is another thing that has the butterflies in my stomach flitting about. It’s another big thing in my life that I never thought would happen that I don’t want to screw up. So yeah, more nerves.
Despite all this, I think I’ll survive the weekend. It should be fun, and I might even partake of some non-fighting activities like illumination or calligraphy.
Speaking of this weekend, time to go steam some wrinkles out of some garb. 😉
Breathing room
Okay, so I finished the corset as much as I can before the boning arrives in the mail. There’s still a lot to do on it, but just getting that much done makes me feel so much better. I’m still working on a mockup of the shrug because I have sausage arms & broad shoulders, so the last thing I want to do is go straight by the pattern only to discover that oops! it doesn’t fit and I’ve wasted a shitton of pleather. So yeah, mockup. Cheap fabric that I accidentally bought a crapton of a while back because my husband & I kindamaybesortareally jacked up the math on how much we would need. Which actually worked out in our favor, because I’ve used that fabric for tons of mockups and it ended up being the perfect color for my Jedi TARDIS cosplay. Still haven’t gotten the size of the back/front of the jacket right (mostly need to make the back/shoulders wider & the sleeve holes too), but I think I have the sleeves worked out. I think.
After the shrug, which really shouldn’t be too bad once I get the sizing worked out, I just have the Spandex stuff to sew. That’s going to be the real challenge, but I’m trying to psych myself up and tell myself I can do it.
My husband keeps “reminding” me of how much work is left to do, which he really doesn’t need to do because OMFG IT’S LESS THAN A MONTH UNTIL DRAGON CON!!! I need to just tell him that the added pressure isn’t helping me at all. I need to be able to breathe and not panic. Panic will not help me.
Just a few more things to sew. Just a few. I have to keep telling myself that. It’s a lot of cutting and pinning and whatnot still, but if I think about all of the steps it’s going to make my con anxiety worse.
There are a couple of things that my husband wants “fixed” on his cosplays from Phoenix Comicon, but those are going to kind of be “if I have time for it before Dragon Con” kinda things. It’s little adjustments/alterations that, in my opinion, can wait. Yeah, it won’t be 100% perfectly the way he wants them, but at least one of them worked well enough for Phoenix Comicon so he can just deal for Dragon Con as far as I’m concerned. Sorry, babe, but I have to focus on the new stuff and try not to add to the pressure. I’ll fix the one part that made him super uncomfortable, though. I’m not going to make him suffer for a whole day of Dragon Con just because I’m trying to stave off the con panic.
He has been a great help, though. He painted my gloves for me last night (they were a dark grey instead of the black that they need to be) and he’s been helping where he can with props and what little fabric-type stuff he can do. I need to have him sew on the buttons for his Shatterstar pants. I haven’t figured out the button foot on my sewing machine, & he figured it out for the Gaara pants, which is the same pattern.
I also need to organize the fuck outta my sewing room. My fabric/scrap stash has grown exponentially since purchasing the fabric we needed for these new cosplays, so I have piles of fabric everywhere. I also kinda have pattern pieces scattered about because I keep forgetting to fold up the pieces I’ve finished with and put them away. My craft room is a total mess. Fabric everywhere. Everywhere. I barely have room on my cutting table to cut out the pieces for the mockup, & they’re fairly small pieces.
In addition, I have my new boots that I need to do some modifying to, mostly stripping the coating off the synthetic leather and then painting them black (the only ones I could get in my size were dark grey instead of black, so yeah, more changes to make). Maybe I could get my husband to do that part, too? He did pretty well painting the gloves, so the boots theoretically shouldn’t be much different. It would really help me out and take one thing off my long, long list.
Less than one month. The Crunch is squeezing ever tighter, and I am doing my best to remain calm about it.
So bad at being good
Why can’t I just eat healthy? Or at least eat less?
I’ve been walking almost every day since Pokemon Go came out (last night there were major thunderstorms with torrential downpours–not exactly something one wants to go walking in), but I have a feeling I haven’t lost an ounce because of my eating habits.
It’s so difficult to for me eat healthy. I have strong cravings and strong urges to eat when I’m not hungry. I have a terrible resistance to these things. I’ve heard that if you manage to stave off those cravings for at least two weeks it evens out and you stop craving as much, but I haven’t been able to make it that long yet.
The worst thing is that the corset/bustier I’m making for my cosplay seems awfully short-waisted…meaning unless I make really high-waisted pants, my gut will show. So I need to lost at least some weight. Some decent amount, not just a few pounds here or there. And I only have a month. Not too likely that it’ll happen, sadly.
I don’t know why I sabotage myself like this. I’ve known about this con since before Phoenix Comicon, and even then I still didn’t really make a concerted effort to eat better. Sure, I was drinking healthy smoothies, but I wasn’t eating them consistently or cutting back on the other food.
Crash dieting isn’t the answer, I know that much. At this point, I just need to accept that I’m going to have major muffintop at Dragon Con and I’ll just have to deal with those repercussions when I get there. There’s probably going to be some laughter and pointing and bodyshaming. I’ve just gotta suck it up (not literally–my gut’s too big for even that), try not to let it get to me, and just have fun.
Oh, and I have to finish the damn cosplays. *Sigh* Guess I should be getting to that.
Cosplay Crunch
Oops. I kindamaybesorta have been slacking on the cosplay stuff. I have a little over a month to get it all done, and I’m starting to get nervous.
The fabrication of the weapons we’re getting help on, but the sewing is basically all me. Which I can handle I guess, but I’ve got to motivate myself. I still have all the pattern pieces for the corset to cut out (I had cut out all the other pattern pieces & organized them earlier to save time, but I forgot the corset pattern pieces), then the fabric (of course), and then there’s all the sewing of stuff. And there’s the Spandex sewing. Still a little intimidated by the thought of that.
I don’t know why I put myself into this crunch all the time. I guess I just have an issue with motivation. When I first wake up in the morning I’m super tired, and messing around on the computer for an hour or so helps wake me up…which turns into two or three hours on the computer because I get sucked in by the Internet. Damn you, Internet!
I’ll probably get the pattern pieces cut out this evening (or maybe tomorrow morning) after we get back from out Poke-walk. Then I’ll cut the fabric & get to busting my butt this weekend. I think I’ll have to change out the needle on my sewing machine to a heavier-duty needle because I’m sewing pleather. Yeah, man, pleather corset. Hawt. Or something.
Well, I’m off to get ready for work. Gotta make that cosplay money. Oh, and money for bills, I guess. That, too.
Sub-standard
Okay, this upcoming three day weekend is much needed.
Last night I dreamed that a patient randomly started to fall face-first out of an exam chair. I mean, she was headed for full faceplant…until I jerked awake with a gasp. Work has finally invaded my subconscious to the point where I’m having semi-nightmares about it. (I don’t consider it a full-blown nightmare because it was more of a shock factor than a fear factor that woke me up…and I was fully aware that it was a dream the second I woke up. Usually nightmares have me really confused when I first wake up from them.)
I also had a weird dream that one of my exes was a serial killer. Hope I don’t have the FBI knocking on my door any time soon to ask questions lol
I keep telling myself that this weekend will help things calm down. I have a trip to Tucson with my husband and some new friends for cosplay and Costco shopping, so that may or may not be relaxing (sometimes even a day trip can wear you out), but Sunday and Monday should be all about cosplay work–except for an Independence Day dinner with the family.
Going to go finish that final belt loop on the Shatterstar pants that I have been procrastinating on due to sheer exhaustion, then I can finally get started on the coat…and learn how to thread and use my serger so I can make the Spandex stuff.
Yeah, I know, the cosplay push will be yet another thing to wear me out…but it’s a change from what I’ve been doing, so that’s a good thing I think. I just gotta keep up on it. Two months. Just two months. Can’t keep letting my physical and mental exhaustion get to me. I’ve got to get these done.
I can do it. I’m determined, just sluggish.
Weird dreams or not, I got this.
Revelation
I’m such a ditz. I’ve been thinking all this time that it’s my day job OT that has me worn out, but I forgot that I’ve also still been taking on work with Talk Nerdy With Us and extra responsibilities with the charity anthology project. No wonder I’m feeling the burnout!
I don’t mind the Talk Nerdy With Us work–it’s a fun job to have–and even though the anthology will be a lot of work as co-admin, I kind of enjoy the challenge. It’s frustrating when the head admin is unable to work on the project as often as I am (and he’s got a bit of an attention span problem–not to mention he’s been sick lately), but it gives me a chance to take charge and get the project moving the way I’d like it to, rather than have it sit stagnant as it has been. As our writers also have day jobs/other things going on with their lives, it’s hard to coordinate and get momentum.
Oh yeah, and there are also the cosplays I have to finish in the next couple of months. Two months. Two short, short months. I’ve got to get those finished.
So that’s my life in a nutshell right now. Work. More work. Charity work. And cosplay work.
Sheesh.
Burnout
I’m so tired. Granted, it’s 3:45 in the morning, but that’s not why I’m tired.
I’m tired of being up so early every morning. I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m tired of giving a shit. I’m. Just. So. Tired.
Take today, for instance: a long work day with a short break. A long work day in a long line of work days. (I picked up a couple extra half days over the weekend). Now, I’m not complaining about working. I like my job, and even though I gripe about overtime the pay is nice.
But why is it so often? Why does it feel like I’m always working?
It very well might have to do with the other people who call out all the time. I’m scheduled for a half day to relieve some of the OT? Nope, someone called out, have to work the whole day…and when do I get a whole day off? Unless I request off months in advance or there’s a holiday where the office is closed, pretty much never.
I get so sick of other people being “sick.” Okay, so I don’t really know if they’re sick or not. They could have the sniffles–or they could be really, really sick. It’s just frustrating that I go to such lengths to come into the office even if I’m not feeling well but other people call out time after time. It’s exhausting, and it’s disheartening. I try not to pry into my coworkers’ lives, but what’s the deal? Are they really that sick? Are they just feeling under the weather, or not feeling like working? What gives? Do they even know how their constant calling out affects others? The stress of being shorthanded is enough to worry about without knowing I’m going to be working overtime yet again when my body sometimes can’t really take it.
I try to tell myself that it’ll be okay. Eventually, the ones who don’t want to work weed themselves out. Eventually.
Until then, guess I gotta buck up and take it like a woman.
Dread
I’ve been staring at my unchanging computer screen for about half an hour. Before that, I was flipping through Facebook pages and Twitter feeds for about an hour. Actually, every time I’ve had any free time in the past month or two–which isn’t always often–I’ve reverted to blind Internet-wandering to the point of large blocks of time spent unaware of what I’m looking at. Why am I numbing my mind? Because I have a job to do, and it’s a doozy.
I have to review a book for Talk Nerdy With Us, and–spoiler alert!–it’s terrible. I’m having a very difficult time sludging through it.
The thing is, I can’t decide which I’m dreading more: actually reading the rest of the book, or figuring out how to write the review without using the words “painful,” “excruciating,” or “unfinishable.” Is unfinishable a word? It should be. I don’t want to have to use it, but it should still be a word.
I think I’m going to ask how far I have to get into the book before I can give up on it and just grit my teeth through the writing of the review. As a lover of the well-written word and a fan of grammar and consistent formatting, I just don’t think I can go on much further.
Why stress when the worst is over?
I’ve been thinking that all is sunshine and roses, now that I’ve nearly finished the cosplays. Just a couple of snaps, a strap for my husband’s prop, and boom! Done. So why am I breaking out with horrendous stress acne?
I suppose it could be due to yesterday’s hectic work day, but then again I’ve had worse. No, I think it’s the impending Comicon that’s got me looking like I have humongous lumps on my face, neck, and chest. They’re not “ripe” (haven’t come to a head), so the pressure is quite painful…not to mention they’re not exactly pretty to look at. Gross would be a better description. Disgusting. Abhorrent. I could go on, but I’m too lazy to get a thesaurus right now.
Could it be the next two cosplays that have me broken out? Doubtful, because I have three months to work on them as opposed to the one month I had to work on the Naruto costumes.
Maybe it’s just the general stress and excitement of the impending con. I may or may not have interviews to do (can’t say for sure, because apparently some PR people don’t get in touch with the media until the night before the con, if at all), and I have to remember to use the Talk Nerdy With Us social media to take pictures, live tweet, and Periscope things as they happen. Not that I can’t use my own media at all, just that I have to remember that I’m working while I’m at the con, not just playing. And of course, there’s the photo op with Alex Kingston (aka the actress who plays River Song on Doctor Who). The excitement of that could lead to a type of stress-induced acne, I guess.
I know I need to calm down about whatever is bothering me. Just breathe. I just can’t figure out what’s bothering me so much.
Here’s hoping that the current breakout is the worst of it, and that it goes away before next Thursday.