Burnout

I’m so tired. Granted, it’s 3:45 in the morning, but that’s not why I’m tired.

I’m tired of being up so early every morning. I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m tired of giving a shit. I’m. Just. So. Tired.

Take today, for instance: a long work day with a short break. A long work day in a long line of work days. (I picked up a couple extra half days over the weekend). Now, I’m not complaining about working. I like my job, and even though I gripe about overtime the pay is nice.

But why is it so often? Why does it feel like I’mĀ always working?

It very well might have to do with the other people who call out all the time. I’m scheduled for a half day to relieve some of the OT? Nope, someone called out, have to work the whole day…and when do I get a whole day off? Unless I request off months in advance or there’s a holiday where the office is closed, pretty much never.

I get so sick of other people being “sick.” Okay, so I don’t really know if they’re sick or not. They could have the sniffles–or they could be really, really sick. It’s just frustrating that I go to such lengths to come into the office even if I’m not feeling well but other people call out time after time. It’s exhausting, and it’s disheartening. I try not to pry into my coworkers’ lives, but what’s the deal? Are they really that sick? Are they just feeling under the weather, or not feeling like working? What gives? Do they even know how their constant calling out affects others? The stress of being shorthanded is enough to worry about without knowing I’m going to be working overtimeĀ yet again when my body sometimes can’t really take it.

I try to tell myself that it’ll be okay. Eventually, the ones who don’t want to work weed themselves out. Eventually.

Until then, guess I gotta buck up and take it like a woman.

Here We Go Again

Just when I thought I was over all the illness I had a couple of weeks ago, yesterday my throat started hurting. More specifically, the right side of my throat and tongue. So swallowing is a bitch, yawning is a bitch, pretty much any movement of my mouth is a bitch.

I can’t afford to call out from work–literally can’t afford it, but figuratively as well. So, having no fever, I will go in today. But I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to get back to sleep. It’s now one o’clock in the morning and I’ve been up for about an hour, tossing and turning for longer than that. I just can’t sleep with this pain.

Tried sucking on ice, but that didn’t do much. Now my tongue feels numb and painful at the same time, if that’s even possible. Cough syrup with codeine makes no difference. Next up: analgesic cough drops. Of course, we all know how well those work.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly sick all the time. Christmas weekend, then two weeks later, then two or three weeks after that, and now again. Whatever this shit is, it can stop at any time. Really. Just stop. I’m not sure i can mentally handle being sick again. I was doing so well for so long! This is disappointing to say the least. I haven’t even taken my methotrexate in two weeks (it has an immunosuppressant effect). Can this shit seriously go away now?