The cat came back the very same day

Rory, Rory, Rory. What am I going to do with you?

I’ve tried feeding him later at night so he’s not as hungry in the morning. I’ve tried closing him out of the bedroom at night. I’ve tried ignoring him. I’ve tried holding him down so he can’t knead on my throat.

But the cat just keeps coming back.

Rory is too smart for my own good. When we first got him, I was having insomnia. I’d wake up between 0130 and 0200 every morning and be unable to go back to sleep. Rory decided that this meant I was supposed to be up at this time, and I have not had an uninterrupted night of sleep since.

I tried untraining him, but that hasn’t worked. He has his mind set that I am awake at a certain time, and that’s that. Granted, he has started waking me up a tad later–like around 0215-0300–but the cat just keeps coming back.

Some mornings, like today, I can tell he just wants food. Still, I wait at least an hour until I feed him so he (hopefully) doesn’t get an immediate association between me waking up and him eating.

Some mornings, he just wants me up. I’ll try to go back to sleep only to have him come back an hour later and start in again. He doesn’t necessarily want anything in particular. In fact, sometimes he immediately goes off to the other room to go back to sleep himself. It’s like once I’m awake all is right with the world and he can rest easy knowing he did his job.

I know I should shut up and accept my fate, but there’s got to be a better way.

I’ll keep trying new things.

But the cat will still come back.

An active mind is a healthy mind

As I get ready for work today, I’m both dreading it (I didn’t sleep well) and looking forward to it. Why? Because I’m learning something new!

One of the things I love about my day job is that there is the constant opportunity to learn and keep my mind fresh. Healthcare is always changing, and there are always new things on the horizon.

When I worked retail, I felt stifled and drained. I didn’t have anything to look forward to when I clocked in except clocking out. Today, though, I am scheduled to learn a new position that will give me more to know.

Learning doesn’t have to be boring. Some people don’t do well in school because of the teaching methods, but they’re actually really brilliant. Everyone is brilliant in some ways. For some people it’s academics…unfortunately for others, it’s crime or something. But try to learn something (beneficial) as often as you can. Look up subjects that interest you. Heard about a new product and want to know more? Google or Bing it! Curious about the political situation? Search (reputable) news sites. What’s that suspicious mole? Well, best to go to the doctor for that one…but research the diagnosis after you see a physician.

Tears Unshed

I hate mental illness sometimes.

It just fucks everything up. I’m fine one minute, then sad the next. For no fucking reason. And it sucks.

There’s nothing that happened today to make me down, but since I’ve gotten home from work it’s started.

I feel hopeless. I feel like it’s never going to end–never mind that I don’t know what “it” is or why I want “it” to end. Don’t start freaking out though; I know that “it” isn’t life. I want life to keep going on. I don’t want that to end. Just…something.

It’s the usual depression symptoms. Loss of interest in the things I like to do. Withdrawal into myself. General malaise. It’s actually quite boring. I’m bored with depression. Go figure.

I’m just over it. Sick and tired of it. I need to kick my own ass into gear. Bust my chops. Smack myself upside the head and tell myself to quit whining and do something.

If only I could find the energy to do all that.

Three long weeks

Thanksgiving is coming up soon, but I don’t know if it will be soon enough.

With as hectic as work has been lately and as many hours as I’ve been getting, I’m becoming increasingly mentally drained. I can’t write. I don’t want to read or sew or draw or, well, do anything. I just want everything to stop.

No, not stop permanently. Just stop long enough for me to recharge. Regain my footing. Keep from losing my ever-loving mind.

I have a couple of tentative half days coming up before Thanksgiving, but I worry that they won’t be enough. There’s always something that needs to be done…and because of that, my brain is trying to shut down. Or at least part of it is. The emotional part. Well, the happy emotional part.

I can’t wait for those four and a half days where nothing is required of me other than to show up and hang out with family.

Three weeks. Three long weeks.