Category: Uncategorized

I’m counting my pending projects in my head, and I’m starting to get a little worried.

Project 1 (a.k.a. the most pressing project): Getting the embroidery done for Their Royal Majesties of Atenveldt before the end of the month. I have a lot to do, but I’m bringing it with to work to do some on my lunch break today, so maybe I’ll catch up a bit?

Project 2 (a.k.a. my latest obsession): Book 3. On chapter 5 now, soon chapter 6, when I had spent months stuck partway through chapter 2. So progress is being made, but it’s still a slow process with the other things going on.

Project 3 (a.k.a. work beckons): Updating and organizing a new laser binder for work, in which I have to make several calls and/or emails in order to figure out which things apply to our office.

Project 4 (a.k.a. they’re really in no particular order): Pending contract on Book 2. Should be coming this week, according to the Editor in Chief. Then, of course, come the edits, and the whole process starts again.

Project 5 (a.k.a. Project Collaboration): The collaborative writing I’m doing with another Askew author, Angelique Jordonna. I’m writing chapter 9 currently, then I hand it back over for her to write chapter 10, then she sends it back and so forth. We’re hoping to finish by the end of the month, but I don’t know….

Project 6 (a.k.a. my own personal made-for-me embroidery project): Yeah, I’d like to get it done by the end of the month, or even before Estrella, but with the royal embroidery still to do that’s not going to happen. 🙁

Project 7 (a.k.a. should probably be Project 2 at this point): Prepping for the beginning embroidery classes I’m teaching at Estrella. I have to print a series of line drawings that people can trace onto stabilizer to embroider on and write up a syllabus/handout to give to the people who show up. I have all the supplies I need, but I have to do the actual prep work now.

Oh yeah, speaking of work….I have to go to that thing today. Again. And tomorrow, and the next day.

Here’s hoping that all the current projects are either done or making progress by, say, the end of March?

Fingers crossed.

After getting my first hot flash the other day, I thought a little bit about how I want to handle “the change.” I knew I didn’t want to go the synthetic hormone route, but I didn’t know what other options there were.

Pinterest seems to favor essential oils, and that’s all well and good, but I need to know more. Is X combination of oils any better than Y, or is one method of application better than another… Lots of questions, but since essential oils aren’t FDA-regulated things as far as I can tell it seems to be harder to find scientific articles about them as opposed to manufacturer-sponsored “research” that just tells you which of their brand of oils you should buy.

Will I go the essential oil route? I’ll give it a try, but I’m going to remain a little bit skeptical about the validity of the companies’ claims until I’ve experienced the results for myself.

We shall see. I also have my husband to consider. He’s very sensitive to scents, so I don’t want to use anything too strong that’s going to set his allergies into overdrive.

Well, WordPress updated. And it sucked. And then I updated the update. And it sucks less, but it still sucks.

This site looks like crap, and I’m too frustrated to get my husband’s help with it. Maybe this weekend he can help me.

Another downhill upgrade in my life is the new Planet Fitness in town. My friends (who I occasionally–less and less often since I moved farther outside of town–exercised with) are in love with the place. Me? I am having palpitations just thinking about going to a public gym to work out. I mean, at the park when we exercised I was pretty much the least physically fit of the group, but my husband was there with me, and my friends were supportive. Then, as time went on and it got colder outside, the location and days of the week changed, so I couldn’t make it to the workouts as often because of my work schedule. Gradually hubby got fed up with the exercise and stopped going. I tried to keep going when I could, but even with encouraging friends I felt like a literal fifth wheel. I mean, two couples supporting each other and working out together and then there was fat old me alone in the back, barely able to keep up with the things.

Fast forward to spring, when Estrella War got in the way of everything. I stopped going long enough to lose momentum and drive, and my workouts became more infrequent. The work schedule kept getting in the way. When I moved to the outskirts of town, that was basically the beginning of the end… and now? Now they’re going to a gym.

Why does the gym bother me so much more than the park? Partly it’s because I have a deep-seated fear of being made fun of. Everyone makes fun of the fat girl trying to exercise. I can’t get the image of skinny hipsters pointing and snickering out of my head. It happened at the park, but with my husband there I felt safe. I won’t have that safety net at the gym. I’ll be with friends, but I’ll be alone with friends. Only we won’t be alone. There will be other people working out, and in a few weeks it’s just going to get worse. New Year’s resolutions and all that.

I want to get in better shape, but I don’t know if I can follow my friends… and I feel even more like an idiot exercising by myself than I would at a gym. And by now, I’ve missed so many workout sessions that I’m further behind than I was when I started. I’m fatter and slower and more awkward. I look dumb trying to pretend I can ever get in shape again.

I can’t even afford to go to a dietitian or a gastric bypass surgeon. I’m just going to be fat and gross forever because I can’t get past this. And my friends are trying to encourage me, but I feel pressured. Like, heavily pressured. And it makes me balk even more.

I feel guilty not working out. I feel guilty eating poorly. I feel guilty for a lot of things. And I feel gross. Disgusting. I see that abdominal fold and I want to throw up. I see pictures of me taken by other people and I want to throw up. 

Too bad I’m not bulemic. Maybe then I’d at least lose some of this disgusting extra weight.

It has been a long and stressful several hours.

I never thought it would be easy. I never thought it would get to me this much, either.

The initial shock is still there, even after the explanation (an explanation that wasn’t given in the email). The pain is still quite real. The shame and disappointment are holding steady.

Yesterday was the first time in probably eight years or more that I wanted to cut myself. I didn’t do it–but I wanted to. I even looked for an exacto knife or something in the garage while I was out there bawling. But no knife was to be found, and my skin remains intact. I guess I’ll take that as my silver lining.

It hurts so much. I don’t feel like I can ever do enough, like I can ever catch up. I stopped trying because my best efforts were getting nowhere, and now I have to do better than my best. I have to make sacrifices, both emotionally and financially, to get the results I want… and even then, I might not get results until months and months after I get results.

It’s a really low time. It’s going to be hard to pull myself back up out of the abyss. Reality has smacked me in the face, and I just stood there and let it.

I have to keep reminding myself that it’s just going to take more work. I’m going to have to do more. 

I feel like I’ve done so much already though, with no reward for my efforts. Just offering up pieces of my soul, and now that I’m running on soul fumes I realize that I don’t know how to replenish them. 

It’s pitch black here. Figuratively, and almost literally. Very few lights, and they’re all beyond my reach right now.

I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I had a few broken, jagged bits of slumber earlier, but my body and mind are tired now.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything drastic. This is normal sleep brought on by abnormal exhaustion.

Well, it’s done… I have signed my fictional characters’ lives away.
Okay, so it might not be that dramatic. It’s actually a good thing. What I signed was, in fact, the official creative development and publishing contract for my next novel! That’s right, I am through the process of submitting and into the process of revising, editing, lather, rinse, repeat. Officially.
They’ve also written the sequel(s) into the contract, in which they get first dibs on the subsequent books. I have one drafted and at least two more in my noggin. Minimum. So Clare and crew will have many more adventures. 🙂
And for the curious, I have signed with a new publisher, Rhetoric Askew. I’m very excited about this next step in my writing journey, and I can’t wait to see the finished product out there.

Okay, so I thought I had it. Thought I had the color blocking all figured out, including how I was going to sew it together. 

Never have I been so wrong. 

It’s a good thing we have a little extra fabric to work with, because my initial plan was a bust. Observe: 

So yeah. Plan B.

I think it’ll be fine, I just have to go about it a different way. Just kind of bummed that my original idea failed so much. 

I know, I know, I should’ve made a full mockup instead of just a pattern of the color blocking. I know. Lesson learned. (I hope.) 

Next time I post it will be better. Cleaner lines, less (hopefully no) puckering, more even. That’s my goal. But now I know…and knowing is half the battle! 

Ugh. Sleeves. The current bane of my cosplay existence.

I don’t mind wearing them…it’s sewing them that’s the problem. You’ve gotta make a round peg fit in a different-shaped round hole. Then sew it without catching the fabric and having to seam rip a crapton of stuff. Oh, and the pattern calls for stupid ugly gathered shoulders, so I have to do my level best to figure out how to un-gather them and still make the coat fit right.

I’m hoping to have enough of it put together to have my husband try on the coat-with-one-sleeve before I put the other one on. I need to see exactly what needs to be cut and what needs to be let out. Fun (not).

After this comes the start of the lining, something I’ve never really done before. Another new sewing “adventure” on my cosplay journey. The coat requires lining, and the character I’m trying to create with this costume has a lining on his coat, too. Damn. A step I can’t skip.

I really need to step things up. I made a list the other day of things I need to get done, and there are a lot more than I thought I had to do. What does that mean? I may go silent on here for a while–too much sewing to do!

Well, back to the pains in the ass…I mean sleeves.

Well, it’s another busy weekend planned. I say planned, because I never know if I’ll have the energy on a Sunday to get much accomplished.

Saturday is our anniversary “celebration.” We’re going out of town and spending the day together, which will be nice. Sunday I have a few things planned for how to spend the day: I want to finish the last couple of pieces for my husband’s cosplay, I want to organize some in our closets, and I want to write. Still haven’t hit 19k (let alone the 20k I wanted to be at), but I’m also at a point where it’s fresh material and no longer revision so that might make it go faster.

My problem is that Sunday is my “nothing I 100% have to do” day. It’s my rest day, my day to myself while the hubby is working.

Still, I need to get at least one closet organized. I have to figure out which clothes I wear and which I don’t, which I will and which I won’t, which to keep for special occasions, etc. I have piles and piles of clothes that don’t fit in my two dresser drawers, so something has to be done. It looks like a train wreck in there.

Gotta also get motivation to exercise. I totally didn’t do any this morning. I’m such a lazy butt 🙁