It has been a long and stressful several hours.
I never thought it would be easy. I never thought it would get to me this much, either.
The initial shock is still there, even after the explanation (an explanation that wasn’t given in the email). The pain is still quite real. The shame and disappointment are holding steady.
Yesterday was the first time in probably eight years or more that I wanted to cut myself. I didn’t do it–but I wanted to. I even looked for an exacto knife or something in the garage while I was out there bawling. But no knife was to be found, and my skin remains intact. I guess I’ll take that as my silver lining.
It hurts so much. I don’t feel like I can ever do enough, like I can ever catch up. I stopped trying because my best efforts were getting nowhere, and now I have to do better than my best. I have to make sacrifices, both emotionally and financially, to get the results I want… and even then, I might not get results until months and months after I get results.
It’s a really low time. It’s going to be hard to pull myself back up out of the abyss. Reality has smacked me in the face, and I just stood there and let it.
I have to keep reminding myself that it’s just going to take more work. I’m going to have to do more.
I feel like I’ve done so much already though, with no reward for my efforts. Just offering up pieces of my soul, and now that I’m running on soul fumes I realize that I don’t know how to replenish them.
It’s pitch black here. Figuratively, and almost literally. Very few lights, and they’re all beyond my reach right now.
I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I had a few broken, jagged bits of slumber earlier, but my body and mind are tired now.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything drastic. This is normal sleep brought on by abnormal exhaustion.