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Excerpt from Kamikaze Butterflies:

Let Not the Past Repeat Itself

Three generations have passed

Since the death of a father

So great, so grand

But not so sound of mind

Locked away he was

‘Til the end of his days

Until the internal struggle exhausted him

And he succumbed

Now comes a daughter

So great, so grand

Who fears the father’s fate

Will the great grandness of the past capture her?

Though her condition may be mild

And her coherence still in place

It looms, the terror of the past

A darkened cloud within

Will exasperations escalate

Until the daughter

So great, so grand

Succumbs to the great grandness

That consumed the father

Pray, good friend

To whichever God or Gods you pray

Pray that the legacy has not been passed

Pray that the past remains the past

Pray that the daughter will never suffer

The great grandness that was fatal

I think I’ve finally got it.

First I couldn’t figure out that nagging paragraph that was the start of the mess, then once I thought I had it figured out, I wasn’t at my computer to fix it. Then, life, as so often happens, got in the way.

Now, it’s just me and my computer, both friends and nemeses, ready to get this out of the way.

I’ve had my breakfast. I’ve had my energy drink. My cat is off somewhere else in the apartment, fed and happy, presumably sleeping now that he’s woken me to get what he wanted.

Let’s do this!

That damn screen keeps staring back at me. I’ve been looking at the same paragraph for an hour and still can’t figure out how to fix it.

I wouldn’t be so frustrated if it was just a minor issue, but the problem that was pointed out to me is major. I can’t just tweak the paragraph; I have to rewrite it, then figure out how to make the rest of the chapter fit with the changes I make.

I have a three day weekend coming up, but don’t think I’ll be slacking off the whole time. I’ve got some major changes to make on a certain chapter in my WIP (based on some feedback I’ve received), and depending on how much is changed I may have to make changes in later chapters. That’s the thing about writing a story: if you make a change that affects something down the road, you have to go through the whole story to make sure you don’t write any plot holes in there.

I truly appreciate the critique group I found, because it allows me to see my work through fresh, unbiased eyes. The members of the group point out errors or faulty plot devices that need work that might have seemed like genius to me at the time.

This particular area that I need to fix is a tough one, and though it has been several days since I got the critique pointing out the flaw I still haven’t figured out how to rework it to make it more believable. I’m up for the challenge though. And I’m learning that I can take critique better than I thought I would. This is a good thing, because when it comes time for editors (and a  publisher perhaps?) to rip it to shreds I’ll have developed a thicker skin lol

That’s kind of how I feel lately. Not like I don’t have a care in the world, but like I can’t seem to make myself care about much of anything in the world these days. Like I’m here physically, but I’m not “here,” y’know?

I had wondered why I wasn’t able to stay awake much, and maybe this is it. It’s not technically a depressive episode–I don’t think–because I’m not technically depressed. I’m not sad or down. I’m not really anything.

I’m hoping the upcoming three day weekend, followed by Phoenix Comicon, will lift my spirits a bit and get me motivated to feel something.

Seriously, if the dermatologist is concerned enough to want to take off a couple of chunks of skin (including one mole that has already been biopsied and come back benign), why schedule them more than a month out?

The nurse practitioner who saw me at the same office nearly two years ago thought the biopsied mole was fine & the dark one just needed to be watched. She told the tech to make a note of it (which apparently didn’t happen) but that it just needed to be watched.

Then the office’s phones were “messed up” when I tried to call to schedule the next day, and I was told by the answering service to call back the following day, which was Friday. I called back Friday only to be told that the office is closed Fridays. Thanks.

Give me a scalpel and some biopsy containers and I’ll do it myself for crying out loud.

I cannot, for the life of me, stay awake for very long today.

My cat, Rory, has woken me up twice this morning making a nest of my hair–and damn near ripping it out in the process. I’ve kind of gotten used to that, but usually once I go back to sleep he leaves me alone. Not today.

I’ve been up for a couple of hours this last time, but I’m fighting to stay awake. My body just wants to curl up and doze again. I can’t focus on much of anything for very long, and that includes revising my novel. I’ve almost finished the first revision, which means I need to think about an editor soon, but today my brain is mush.

My husband’s off work now, so maybe watching some TV with him will wake me up. Or I’ll fall asleep again. At this rate, I think it will be more of the latter.

Of course, I am a bit of a madwoman…bipolar and all. So perhaps I should rephrase that. I’m writing like a woman possessed lately.

Getting up extra early, even on early work days, to get that little bit of writing/revising in. Taking my laptop out of the spare bedroom into the master bedroom so I can write while watching TV with my husband. Making revisions the second new critiques come in. I can’t stop myself.

Is it making the book better? Absolutely. It’s also making me a little crazy. Well, crazier. With every new change I see other changes that need to be made to make that change fit. Some are minor, some require whole chapters to be rewritten. I’ve heard some writers complain that this is one of the more tedious steps in the writing process, but I’m finding it enjoyable. Now that I’m getting feedback and I know where to make improvements, I can see the story becoming richer. It’s a fascinating process watching the story evolve.

Speaking of evolution, I have to go back to playing God and make some more of it happen. These characters aren’t going to make themselves change. Well, they kind of do.

But only other writers will get what I mean 😉

Critiquing others’ work is hard. You have to walk a fine line between making sure you catch any errors that could be potentially damaging to their writing while not looking like a total asshole douchebag bitch.

That line is practically nonexistent when the writing is absolutely terrible.

I try to give people I’m not familiar with the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they’re new to writing. Maybe they’re young, maybe they haven’t learned all the rules yet, maybe they’re dyslexic…I don’t know. Still, there comes a point where you have to bear down and be an ass. You have to rip their work to shreds, because if they ever try to send it out to an editor or an agent or a publisher it will get ripped to shreds anyway.

At first, you feel horrible for making so many red marks on the paper (or, if using a word processing program, adding so many red comments in the margins). Then, you find yourself scrolling back up time and time again to verify that the plot hole you just noticed was not something you overlooked. Nope, it’s a plot hole. Scroll back down, add another comment.

This is also where being the Grammar Police is both a blessing and a curse. You see all the mistakes–so many mistakes–but you feel like a jerk for pointing out every single one, especially when it’s the same mistake over and over again. Still, if you don’t point out repeated mistakes and make suggestions on how to fix them, the writer may not see them and may continue to make said mistakes. Over and over again. The same goes for punctuation.

I read and critiqued some really terrible writing yesterday. Does it have the potential to be a good story? Well, I’ve only seen the first two chapters, so I’ll have to reserve judgment on that. As is, the story moves at too fast of a pace and is highly implausible even for a fictional story. I tried to be nice and tell the writer that even in fiction, the characters’ thoughts have to have some realism to them; otherwise, the readers aren’t going to get caught up in the story. Even in a fictional setting, the story has to make some kind of sense.

Hopefully I didn’t offend the person too much when they got my critique back in their inbox. That certainly wasn’t my intent. The whole point of the critiquing process is to make a work better, and you just can’t do that by pulling punches.

It’s been a quiet yet busy Mother’s Day today.

I spent the morning alternately revising my novel, messaging the mothers I knew on Facebook to wish them a happy Mother’s Day, and critiquing work that had been emailed to me for review.

Then, for the afternoon/evening, I went with my husband and our cat to visit my mom and family. Mom and Dad are going to take care of our little Rory while we’re at Comicon, so Mom wants him to get acclimated to the other animals in the household (which took all of half an hour, so I think he’ll do just fine for a long weekend).

I managed to get 3000 words added to my novel through all this, which I’m quite proud of. I’ve only gone through six chapters, too, out of about thirty, with at least one full chapter I want to add in along the way.

Will I have another story in me after this one is finished? Who knows. But once this is done (& published, even if I have to do it myself), I will have accomplished something I had never thought I was good enough for.

I will do this!