Category: Musings

Slow burn

#bipolar, #books, #design, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Art, costuming, Crafting, Depression, embroidery, fencing, Freedom, Friendship, Health, Home, Insomnia, Marketing, Mental Health, Musings, Novel, Parties, Promotion, SCA, Sci-fi, Sewing, Sleep, Social Media, Stress, swordfighting, Thoughts, Time, Work, Writing

I’m trying. I really am.

I get up and go to work every weekday (unless the office is closed or–rarely–I request off for an appointment or something). I work a full week, sometimes into overtime, and I hardly ever call out or ask to go home early. I clock in on time, and I stay until my boss says I can go. If that means clocking out less than twelve hours before I have to clock in again, then that’s what I do. If it means working when I’m in pain, I do. If it means working through a panic attack, I do. I can’t afford not to.

Most weekends I end up doing SCA things; whether it’s an event, a household meeting, rapier practice, or crafting various things for SCA events, household meetings, or (rarely) something just for me.

I sleep when my body lets me. Sometimes it’s six hours, more often closer to four, maybe four and a half. I drink caffeine and take Adderall to make it through the above listed days without falling asleep sitting up…or standing up. Or while driving.

I do the laundry every week, sometimes multiple days a week. Sometimes I’m aching enough that I have difficulty picking up the clothes that end up on the floor instead of the hamper…. so I leave them. Sometimes I’m so worn out from all the other things that I leave the clean laundry in the dryer for a few days and just fluff it when I need something to wear. Sometimes I go to the effort of taking the laundry out of the dryer and putting it back in the hamper until I have the energy to put it away.

When I have time alone–usually in the wee hours, when sleep evades me–I write. Or edit. Or revise. Or embroider. Or sew. Or plan and execute social media marketing stuff for my writing.

There’s more, but right now I can’t think of exactly what.

I’m trying. I really am. But I am feeling more and more burned out lately. Just thinking about the things I have to do makes me exhausted and depressed. The things that I used to do for fun are now duties. Chores. Requirements. Necessities. There are deadlines upon deadlines upon deadlines. Even the SCA events that used to get me all excited now fill me with dread. It’s not “yay! I get to do this thing!” It’s “well, I guess I have to do this thing.” 

I need some me time. Problem is, time is not something that I have available to give myself. It’s all filled with things. Work. SCA. Housework. Crafting.

I can only do so much. My body and my mind and my spirit are all stretched as far as they can go.

I need to think. Introspect. Look inside. Take all the pieces and see where they fit–and what ones shouldn’t even be in the puzzle. I need to prioritize and cut back where I can. 

Some people might feel like I’m pulling away, but it’s not trying to get away from them so much as trying to regroup.

I’m committed to several things for the next two months. I have to hold on at least that long. But after Estrella War?

I might not try as hard. I really might not.

Right of passage

Age, anxiety, Health, Learning, Mental Health, Musings, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Work

Well, it’s happening. Can’t stop Mother Nature, but I sure wish She’d given me some kind of warning.

So here’s what happened:

The work day started like normal. I opened the exam rooms and worked up a couple of patients. I got hot, as I tend to do when I start work.

Problem is, I couldn’t cool down. Like, sheen of sweat, trouble breathing, full-blown panic hot.

I think I just experienced my first hot flash. And my brain (at the time) switched into freakout mode because it didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

I’m okay now. I hyperventilated a bit, cried a bit, and finally got my temperature regulated… just in time for the doctor to crank up the heat in the office.

I’m a tad young for it, but now that it’s over I’m not surprised. It was bound to happen eventually. I just wish it hadn’t happened while I was at work. I got too much to do for that kind of mess to be going on.

Does this mean I can blame any wild mood swings on menopause? Because that I might be able to handle.

Drizzle

Depression, Home, Insomnia, Mental Health, Musings, Sleep, Thoughts, Work

It’s raining in Arizona.

It happens from time to time. Mostly in the late summer and early fall, during monsoon season, but it happens.

I could be sleepy because of the dismal weather. It could be because I didn’t really sleep much last night. Or maybe that second cup of coffee I skipped. Regardless, I’ll be needing another dose of my Adderall if I’m going to survive work today.

This kind of weather actually excites some Arizonans, especially the lifers. Me? I hate it. The sky is dreary and dark, even though the sun should be up by now. The pitter patter of rain on the windshield as I wait in the parking lot drones, making me feel drowsy and sluggish. It’s altogether depressing.

It’s cold, too. Not bone-chilling by any means, and my cousins up north would laugh if they read this, but it’s still cold to me.

I am not looking forward to today. If the rain keeps up, I’ll probably dread tomorrow too.

I want to go home. Back to bed. Snuggle up under the covers and forget the world. I can’t, though. I need to make the money to pay the bills. Gotta keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. Heating and cooling and all that. Takes money–which requires work. Fucking vicious cycle.

The sun’ll come out… sometime. Meanwhile I will drag one foot in front of the other, plaster a smile on my face, and pretend that I want to be at work.

Fucking responsibility. Worst type of day for it.

Distractions

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, Abnormal, Art, Crafting, embroidery, Friendship, Geek, Musings, Novel, Sci-fi, Sewing, Social Media, Thoughts, Time, Writing

Oh hey, look, I was writing a post.

I was also embroidering, revising, tweeting, Instagramming, showering, dressing, brushing my hair… but I started out writing a post.

I do that sometimes. I kinda squirrel. A lot. It’s not that I didn’t have some grand design for a great post. I just got distracted. Like, right now my cat’s snoring is distracting me a bit. It’s so damn adorable! The other cat just walked up to him to find out what was going on. Apparently she doesn’t understand snoring. Also apparently snoring = bath time. Those two are too stinking cute when they co-bathe. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, distractions.

I have so much going on lately that I can’t focus on anything. Everything’s a blur. I want to get so many things accomplished that I end up accomplishing nothing. It’s frustrating.

Maybe the upcoming four-and-a-half-day weekend will help me out. I can decompress and relax and pick what I want to focus on.

Co-bathing time is over. Now it’s wrestling time.

My main goal this weekend is to get my embroidery project done. That one has a timetable. Of sorts. Okay, I made up a deadline for it. Will it be awesome if I can deliver it on a certain person’s special day? Yeah, but it’ll still be awesome if I’m not done “in time.”

Once the embroidery is done, then it’s on to revisions and Christmas gift bags. We’re not going the whole nine yards this year–just maybe a yard and a half. Normally, we go full-out and blow a ton of cash getting a few dozen people gifts. This year, we’re going to be making some stuff to give out. Because mortgage. 

Rory won the wrestling match. Or River got bored. Or both.

I guess I’ll kill the remaining half hour until I leave for work with some more stitching.

Unless I see a squirrel……

What a difference a year makes

#books, #design, #dystopian, #publishing, Abnormal, book trailer, Celebrity, Convention, cover art, Fandom, Learning, Marketing, Musings, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Social Media, Thoughts, Time, Writing

A lot can happen in a year. You can move, change jobs, cut your hair, gain weight, lose weight, start a new diet…

…You can sign with a publishing company…

That’s right: it’s been a year since I signed with RhetAskew Publishing! What a whirlwind of a year it’s been, too! Edits and revisions and frustration and a trailer and marketing and promotion and cover concepts and decisions and book launch and signings and Tucson Comic Con–whew! Now my second book is in the hands of the great people at RhetAskew, and I can’t wait for my next round of edits–and my next year of publishing.

The whole thing is still pretty surreal. I mean, I have a published book. In bookstores. Online. At a con. I have a sequel in the works. A series in the works.

I wonder what the next year will bring… The sequel, of course. More cons? Maybe, maybe not. Tucson Comic Con was close to being worth it, financially speaking, but not quite. I still have books in the back of my car that I need to sell. There’s a smaller local con in February that I need to talk to my husband about. It’s much cheaper than TCC, and it’s close to home, but I don’t know if the logistics would work out. 

There’s also the possibility of another TCC. I’ll get an offer of the same table rate as this year because I was already a vendor, but again, it’s a matter of logistics. I want to try to get into TusCon, which is a sci-fi-specific con, but I’m afraid to even check the prices on tables for that. It’s gotta be more expensive than TCC was. Still, it would be a good opportunity. Hmm…

I still gotta work. Still gotta do all the things. Laundry, grocery shopping, bills, etc. Life’s not going to become all sunshine and roses and unicorn farts just because I’m signed with a publisher. It would be nice if things worked that way, but nope. Not quite. Lol

RhetAskew has been great to me this past year. They give great advice, and they listen to their authors. I don’t really feel that I had to really sacrifice anything to get Abnormal published. The book is great. The cover’s great. RhetAskew really does whatever they can for the author. They even give marketing and promotional advice–something I would have been lost on before!

I suppose I should get back to Book 2 before I have to go to work. I’m a little bit stuck, but I’ve made progress in the last week or two. Not as much progress as I’d like to make, but progress is progress. Who knows? Maybe next year I can add “NYT bestseller” to my list of annual accomplishments…Lol

Cries of “Excelsior!” shall echo through the halls of Valhalla

#nerd, Celebrity, Comic books, Cosplay, Depression, Fandom, Geek, Movies, Musings, Sci-fi, Thoughts

It was finally time.

He gave us ninety-five years, and he gave them selflessly. He created people, places, world’s, universes. And he created a society where geeks and nerds can be who they are. He made nerddom chic.

I know it was coming any day. I know it had to happen. No one lives forever. Not even The Man.

Still, I know my eyes will tear up when that last cameo flashes on the screen. They’re tearing up now, as I think of what the world has lost: a great man, and a creator without equal. He understood what it was to be an outsider, and he gave the outsiders people to relate to when few existed.

I’ve always been more of a Marvel girl that a DC girl. When I was four, I told my mom that I was going to marry Spider-Man. Well, Mary Jane Watson got to him first. 

I don’t really know what to say. What can you say about a man who touched so many lives? From the very small to the brightest stars in the biz, he made everyone fit in. There’s a place for everyone in Marvel.

I never got the chance to meet him. Well, I guess I had the chance, but I never took advantage of it. He was at Phoenix Comicon one year that I was attending, but I couldn’t afford an autograph. I should have stood in line anyway, if nothing else than to shake hands with the man who meant so much to so many. 

I knew it couldn’t last.

I just didn’t believe that it would really happen.

Legends are supposed to live on forever. But I suppose no matter how legendary the person, Death still wins in the end.

A Legend may be dead, but his legend lives on. In the comics he created. In the worlds and universes he created. In the hearts of everyone who was touched by his creations. In the word “excelsior,” a word that means excellence.

You were most excellent, Stan Lee.

Safe travels.

Write drunk, edit sober, revise… tipsy?

#books, #publishing, Celebrity, Language, Musings, Novel, Thoughts, Writing

Hemingway has some great quotes about writing. But revising is, in my experience, kinda somewhere between writing and editing. So how did Hemingway handle it? I’m not planning on getting drunk today, but it makes me think regardless.

Writing drunk I get. You’re less inhibited, and some of the best crazy ideas that you’d never put to words sober come out of hiding. It’s pretty fun, too. 😉 

Editing sober makes sense too. You want to catch as many errors as possible. Hard to do that when you misspell spoken words. Lol

Revising, though? It’s kind of a grey area. You’re taking out “errors” so to speak, because you’re cutting some stuff that doesn’t fit or doesn’t need to be there, but you’re also writing new stuff. When I’m revising, I often end up writing thousands of words’ worth of new material.

Like I said, I won’t be drinking today. So I won’t experiment with the sobriety level of revisions. But it makes me think. 

I don’t have any profound words on writing yet. Maybe some day I’ll be quoted like Hemingway. 

But will those words be taken from a serious interview, or will they be drunken ramblings overheard by a lucky individual?

“I’m fine” is the biggest lie of them all

#bipolar, Depression, Health, Mental Health, Musings, Stress, Thoughts

We’ve all done it. We’ve all been a little stressed, a little down, a little depressed. And we’ve all, at some point during these times, have said “I’m fine.”

There are variations of “I’m fine.” There’s “I’m just tired.” There’s “Nothing’s wrong, really.” These are lies.

They’re not meant to be harmful or malicious lies. They’re meant to spare the person who’s asking how you are from having to deal with your problems. And, in a way, they’re meant as an effort to convince yourself that you are fine when you are, in fact, quite not fine.

I’ve been guilty of these lies more times than I can count….in the last week alone, to be honest. When my husband asks how my day at work went, I don’t want to burden him with “I think I’m depressed so even though the day went all right I’m feeling really down.” So I don’t say that. I say “Meh” or “Fine” or some such nonsense–and it is nonsense.

Why don’t I just say what’s really going through my head? Why don’t I say I’m becoming depressed? A large part of it is the whole burden thing. I don’t want to be one. Another factor is the realization that if I admit to being depressed, I’ll be inundated with questions as to why I’m depressed or how the person can help me not be depressed….questions I don’t always have an answer to.

Yet another part of it is that I’m bipolar; being depressed once in a while comes with the package. I mean, that’s been my experience with it. You get depressed for a while, but as long as it doesn’t get into I-want-to-hurt-myself depression then it’s fine to just wait it out, right?

There’s that lie again: “it’s fine.”

I suppose I should quit lying–to myself and to others. I should say when I’m depressed. I should probably even go to the doctor, depending on how depressed I am. But that’s admitting that I can’t handle it. That I can’t get out of the depression on my own. That I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am.

One frustrating part is that even when I’m not “fine,” there are moments sprinkled throughout the day where I am “fine.” I’m not necessarily depressed 100% of the time when I’m depressed. I might be depressed only  when I’m alone, or only when I’m bored, or only when I’m away from home, or only when I’m at home. The depression could be more of a conditional state of being than a constant state.

Am I “fine” right now? Yeah. Sure. 

Am I lying about that?

I don’t really know.

Finding my balance

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Art, Celebrity, Convention, Crafting, embroidery, Fandom, Geek, Insomnia, Learning, Marketing, Mental Health, Musings, Novel, Promotion, SCA, Sci-fi, Sewing, Sleep, Social Media, Stress, Time, Work, Writing

Work. Home. SCA. Books. I have many different facets to my life, and I’m having a bit of trouble finding the right balance between them all.

I forgot something at work last week–something major, in relation to my new position. That was embarrassing. At home, my sleep schedule is still very off despite the new dosage of meds. I’m pulling back from the SCA to try to manage the other parts, and I’m slacking on the book promotion.

I will have to force extra time between patients for the new position. I don’t know what I’m going to do about the sleep, aside from making offerings to Morpheus or something. I’m slowly finding the balance of SCA–I need to take at least one weekend a month off from it, it seems, to be able to keep sane. And as far as book promotion goes, I’m back at it this morning–between embroidery and catnaps, that is.

*Sigh.* How do busy people do it? I’ve been mostly a couch potato my whole life, and now I have work life, social life, home life, and author life. It’s a little overwhelming.

I’m going to have to apologize to my potential future Laurel for my absence from the SCA and for my complaining in this blog about wanting to take a break from the arting. From what my husband tells me (he went to an SCA event this past weekend while I stayed home), she thought I meant I wanted to take a break from working with her on arts. Not so. I just needed a break from period art in general, and I think my “weekend off” might have given me a chance to recharge and regroup.

This week, I’ll do better. I’ll work harder. Sleep more (maybe?). Craft more. Promote more.

There are people out there with fuller schedules than mine. Surely I can juggle these few things and still allot myself enough time for each.

Trollin’ with my homies

#books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, Fandom, Friendship, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Musings, Novel, Promotion, SCA, Sci-fi, Social Media, Thoughts, Time, Writing

I’ve finished the latest round of revisions on Book 2, and as I go to do the Write Event games on Twitter (follow @writevent to see what I mean) I’ve decided that I let too much of Abnormal go out into the Web as tweets. Sure, it garnered interest, but how much is too much? And how much of Book 2 should I give my Twitter followers a peek of?

My solution: I’m going to start writing fresh lines just for the Write Event games. Some will be from my WIPs, but some will be pulled out of thin air.

That’s right. I’m going to keep people guessing. It’ll be my own personal writing game: Sneak peek or made-up crap?

With that now safely ensconced in my brain, I think I’ll be able to entertain myself for months. The bonus is, even if there are Write Event themes that don’t fit with my WIP, I can still tweet something related to the theme and make it look like it’s from the WIP.

In other news, this morning I plan on starting to outline my *cough* semi-completed draft, as well as writing up a query letter and synopsis. My November deadline for submission is fast approaching, and I’m going to try not to cram for it this time.

First, though, food. It may be oh-dark-thirty in the morning, but I’m starving. I didn’t grab enough food at last night’s SCA household meeting. Well, potential household–we’ve camped with them twice now, which meets their requirements for joining, but they’re waffling on voting us in or out. It makes me slightly suspicious, and I have to admit I kind of feel like my husband and I are the redheaded stepchildren of the household. Like, we’re kind of part of the family, but we’re expected to do more work and it’s kind of assumed that we’ll be around…not, like, appreciated, y’know? Sure, there are a few people in the household who I know like having us around, but I’m not sure why they didn’t vote last night, which was the first household meeting since our second time camping with a large contingent of the household. Hmm…

Maybe I’m not the only troll in the room…