Category: anxiety

Nervous energy

#bipolar, #books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Celebrity, Depression, Fandom, Geek, Health, Insomnia, Marketing, Mental Health, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Sleep, Social Media, Stress, Work, Writing

Maybe it’s because my confidence has always been low. Maybe it’s because the process is still new to me, even though I’ve been through it before. Maybe it’s just those just-submitted-my-manuscript jitters.

Regardless of the cause, I’m abuzz with a ton of energy–too much for the amount of sleep I haven’t gotten yet.

I thought there’d be a rush of relief, a release of pent-up adrenaline, something, but nope. All that excess energy is still swimming around inside my head, and it’s frustrating. I want to sleep. I want to rest. I don’t really want to be up right now, yet here I am. Sure, I could have stayed in bed, but as I’ve discovered lately, unless I’m woken by my bladder and my bladder alone, when I’m awake I’m awake for at least a good hour or two, and the longer I spend in bed lamenting my lack of sleep the harder it is to doze back off. At least out in the living room I can get stuff done.

Yesterday I finished revisions on the draft of Book 2 and started the tedious process of writing an outline, synopsis, and query letter. Yep, those nasty little necessities that make being an author actual work. I bet if I logged the actual hours I spent working on writing, editing, revising, marketing, and promoting, I’d be in OT. Like, every week.

I know my husband isn’t at all happy with my predawn antics. He wants me in bed, resting. But it’s not like I’m getting up early on purpose–I just…wake up. A lot.

Tomorrow morning I see the ol’ psychiatrist. Guess it might be time to change up the sleeping meds…again. The last med he gave me works well enough at full dose, except I can’t wake up properly in the morning. I get extremely groggy, and I’ve had some close calls on the commute to work when I take the full dose. The doctor said that if that happens I can half it, so I half it. But fat lot of good it does at half.

Sometimes I wonder if this insomnia is bipolar-related, but when I think back on it this has been going on a very, very long time, too long for it to be a manic episode. I think I’d be proper crazy if I was in a sustained manic state for this long. As it is, I’m only semi-crazy, so I guess it doesn’t stem from the bipolar. Is that a good thing? I have no clue.

The psychiatrist should be pleased that Abnormal has been published, along with a book signing and a library appearance, but he’ll be disappointed that I haven’t been on Oprah’s show yet. I guess that’s his gauge of success for an author: appearing on Oprah.

I somehow doubt Oprah would be interested in my writing style, but who knows? Maybe I should add her to my list of influencers to contact. Lol

Not very con-tagious

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Art, Celebrity, Convention, Crafting, embroidery, Fandom, Geek, Mental Health, Novel, SCA, Sci-fi, Sewing, Sleep, Stress, Time, Work, Writing

I went to a gaming convention the last two days–a small one–but I spent most of the time, er, not gaming. 

I had intended on playing games, but I only played one the whole day and a half I was there. It was a fun game, but I got peopled out pretty quickly. Thankfully, my friends were gracious enough to give me a copy of their hotel room key so I’d have a place to escape from the crowds. It was nice. I took a solid two-hour nap today. That was really nice. 

Tucson Comic Con won’t give me that luxury. I’ll be there, and I’ll be stuck. I think it’ll be okay though. I’ll be behind a table surrounded by my books. I’ll have a barrier between me and them.

I got a lot of progress done on the embroidery for my husband’s Viking hood this weekend though, and I’ll get more done tomorrow. I won’t get done, but I’ll maybe get from a quarter of the way done to maybe a third or even halfway done.

Book 3 hasn’t gotten any more written yet. I am still waiting for the alpha readers to finish their feedback on Book 2, so I don’t want to get too far and have to rewrite the whole thing like I had to do with Book 2.

Hopefully soon things won’t be so stagnant. I feel like I’ve been neglecting this blog because I haven’t had anything to say. Work is work…oh! Except I got a new certification… now I’m a certified medical laser safety officer. I’ve done an audit and everything. So yeah. There’s that, and then work is work.

Things will pick up once I get back to work on Book 2 and once Tucson Comic Con gets closer.

Checked out

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Art, Convention, Crafting, embroidery, Fandom, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Mental Health, Novel, Promotion, Reading, SCA, Sci-fi, Sewing, Stress, Time, Work, Writing

I had my second official author appearance today, this time at a small-town library. The venue was small, and the crowd was smaller, but it was a good time. I stood up and talked about myself and my book and didn’t freak out. The social anxiety monster didn’t rear its ugly head, which is pretty cool.

Tucson Comic Con will be a big test of that. There will be crowds, there will be people looking at the table and passing by, there will be people asking about the book, I will have to talk to people. Yes. It’s a thing. But I’m getting over it. Slowly. Kind of.

Tomorrow, after work, I’m headed off to a small gaming convention in Tucson. I won’t have a table there (the cost of a table was too much given the venue), but it should be a fun time. I’ll consider it pre-TCC practice of sorts. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll sit in the corner by myself and try to be invisible. We’ll see.

The Kingdom Arts and Sciences competition is this weekend as well, but I won’t be competing. I got so caught up in projects and book stuff and more book stuff and work and SCA events and…yeah. No time. Well, I suppose I could have thrown something together on the fly, but I don’t want to enter Kingdom with some half-assed project. I want to throw my full, sizable ass behind whatever I end up entering. Next year. Sure, I had the research paper that I did that I could have tinkered with to perfect it, but again there was that pesky time thing.

Speaking of time, I just remembered the laundry that’s sitting on the bed, waiting to be put away. And the laundry in the washer that’s probably done by now. And the packing I have to do. Crap.

Where did all the time go?

Incoming

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The weekend is upon us, and it’s Crown Tourney weekend for those SCA folks in Atenveldt. That means lots of fighting and fun–except there was a minor major hiccup with the site, which means I suddenly have lots of houseguests incoming. 

I don’t mind being hospitable to our chosen family (especially since our guests include my husband’s Peer and his belt brother/sister), but I’m wondering how the ol’ social anxiety will hold up for the weekend. I can handle people over at my house for a little while, but these people won’t be going home until Sunday. Two whole days of people in my house. Mine. I know, I know, it’s not the invasion of the Huns–it’s just a weekend. Still, the animal brain inside my head is in defend-my-territory mode, and I need to find a way to calm it down.

I also need to find a way to get this place presentable this afternoon. I’m skipping the contemplation hafla (drum and dance party) because A – I don’t dance and B – I don’t know the person being elevated. I’m going to be tired after work, and I’d rather have a smidge more time to myself before chaos reigns.

There’s laundry still to do, plus the aforementioned cleaning, plus figuring out what-all I’m going to wear this weekend, plus hostessing, plus plus plus. Oh yeah, and I have to keep up the work on doing my marketing workshop assignments, which means finding time to blog/tweet/Instagram/Facebook etc etc. Eight more days until Abnormal‘s release! Tick-tock, man, tick-tock.

Livin' for the deadline

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Yep, it’s another early morning for me, and now that I’ve been social on most of the medias, it’s time to get cracking on Book 2’s revisions. I’ve got a good idea of where I’m going with them, but it’s a matter of actually sitting down and getting from A to B. Then, once I’ve gotten the manuscript where it needs to be, it’s edit, edit, edit before I send it off for submission. RhetAskew Publishing has given me an early November deadline for submission, so I have some time but not, like, oodles. There’s a lot of life going on in those months…Abnormal‘s release, SCA events about every other weekend or more, book signing, work, more work, new certification for work…Yeah. All that and a bag of chips. Or something. I have no one to blame but myself, really….I asked my Editor-in-Chief when she’d like the manuscript, and she gave me a time frame.
The other day I had a mini major meltdown about Abnormal‘s release. That was fun (not). You see, as I’m revving up and getting ready for the release, I’m also taking a marketing workshop led by my Editor-in-Chief at RhetAskew. This workshop is pretty intense, and it’s left me feeling overwhelmed. There are things I’ve been doing that I guess are no-nos when it comes to marketing, and there are other things I haven’t done yet that are very, very important. I know that since Abnormal is the first in a series I have time to build my audience, but I was feeling an immense sense of urgency and anxiety that I’d never get all the things done before the release. Some part of my bipolar brain decided that I had to do every single workshop assignment ASAP to be ready for release date, and when I realized I was in overload I lost it. I’m talking red-faced, puffy-eyed, snot-nosed ugly crying. I was a hot mess.
I’m better about it now. I think I just needed to get it out of my system. Reached my boiling point, spilled over, and now I’m all good. Mostly…I still feel some anxiety, but nothing like the other day.
Well, guess it’s time to put the blog down and pick up my mind mapping. Gotta stay cool, calm, and collected as the countdown to Abnormal ticks down….9 days now. Single digits.

Battle royale

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It’s been a while since I’ve had a legitimate bipolar breakdown, so I guess yesterday’s little panic attack was overdue. Still, it would be nice not to have to go through that at all.
2gbz61
Yeah….
So the marketing process for Abnormal combined with the marketing workshop that my publisher is running on Facebook combined with general anxiety about the projected success or failure of said book all are working together to create that perfect environment for a bipolar freak-out. Last night was the first of what I hope is a minimal number of said freak-outs.
It all started with the sudden realization that the workshop assignments were leading up to us authors identifying and contacting our top genre influencers about our works.
Wait…I have to find out who the top sci-fi/dystopian/LGBTQ bloggers, vloggers, podcasters, journalists, etc, are, then I have to write out emails asking them to read and review my book or do an interview with me, then I have to send out those same emails? Like, actually send them? To people who have thousands and thousands of followers, who probably already lead busy lives and already get gobs of junk emails with the same type of requests? But–but–but…what if I’m bothering them?
Ah, yeah, there’s that irrationality. There’s the anxiety rearing its ugly head.
Fuck you, anxiety. You ruined my evening yesterday.
Fighting with this type of anxiety is a tough one. I can always go to friends or family or to my husband or my publishers with my unfounded concerns, but I can’t always take their logical, rational advice and apply it to the very much illogical and irrational fear I’m experiencing. The irrational fear eats logic for breakfast, chews it up, and spits it out in a sloppy wet wad on the carpet. I always end up stepping square in that wad. I hate stepping on anything wet, literally or metaphorically.
Why is it so horrifying to have to send out some nice, polite emails requesting consideration for myself and my book? I don’t know. Again, it’s an irrational fear. And no, it’s not the fear of them ignoring my emails or sending rejections–it’s the fear of being a bother. A nuisance. An annoyance.
It was difficult to send email requests to some of my favorite authors asking if they’d be interested in having an Advanced Reader Copy of Abnormal to peruse and maybe write a blurb on. I was terrified of annoying them. Of being viewed as spam–even if it was potentially some random assistant who was handling that day’s particular emails. That is what had me paralyzed yesterday. It’s still got me shaken up a bit, but so far this morning no fountains of tears. So that’s progress, right?
Another stressor to add onto these imaginary stressors is the feeling that I have to get all my marketing done before the September 1 release date–which is now ten days away. Ten. Short. Days. My publisher assures me that’s not the case, that I have the entirety of the series to build upon and market to my fanbase, but the timing of the marketing workshop is not helping. Don’t get me wrong–I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity to have such a workshop. It’s just giving me a minor heart attack thinking about all the assignments that are being given with “just ten days” in which to complete the assignments.
Ten days…I’m almost in the single digits.
I had my freak-out. I talked with close friends, with my publisher, with my husband. I whined and moaned and misunderstood the assignments and cried and sobbed and overreacted. I did all the things except stay calm and look at it from a logical standpoint. Logically, the bloggers and vloggers and podcasters and journalists are there to build on their own fanbase, and they (theoretically) welcome the opportunity to read and review something that their fanbase might enjoy. Illogically, they’re going to view me as an overeager spammer nobody who needs to leave them alone.
I’m going to get past this. I’m going to finish this post, search for my genre’s “influencers,” and get started on a template to share in the workshop to eventually turn into emails to said influencers.
It may not be within the next ten days. But I have a whole series to get this done in.
Still, better now than never.
Off I go.
Kicking and screaming, but off I go.