Here I sit, in the dark
Trying hard to find my art
I sit and stare and try to think
But all I do is blink and blink
Here I sit, by myself
No hand to hold, no one to help
I try to wake from languid dream
Inside my heart it tries to scream
Here I sit, mind gone cold
No inspiration will take hold
I yawn, I stretch, I blow my nose
Still the emptiness takes hold
Here I sit, in the dark
No piece of mind, no warmth of heart
Here it is: another morning awoken early for no apparent reason. I’m torn between going back to sleep–and only getting another two and a half hours max–or just staying up to write. Sure, sleep sounds nice, but let’s be honest…I’m not going to get back to sleep right away. Too many thoughts running around inside this head.
The apartment seems strange since my husband unplugged the nightlights I had been using to help me navigate in the dark (they were bothering him and he couldn’t sleep with them on). Not that I’m bothered by the dark; it’s just strange to look around and see no lights on except for my laptop screen, the clocks, and, for whatever reason, my husband’s tablet screen. (Why is that screen on, anyway?)
I suppose since I’m not really tired enough to get back to sleep I should be writing. But I should be trying to get back to sleep. Two and a half hours? Might as well write.
Just when I thought I was over all the illness I had a couple of weeks ago, yesterday my throat started hurting. More specifically, the right side of my throat and tongue. So swallowing is a bitch, yawning is a bitch, pretty much any movement of my mouth is a bitch.
I can’t afford to call out from work–literally can’t afford it, but figuratively as well. So, having no fever, I will go in today. But I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to get back to sleep. It’s now one o’clock in the morning and I’ve been up for about an hour, tossing and turning for longer than that. I just can’t sleep with this pain.
Tried sucking on ice, but that didn’t do much. Now my tongue feels numb and painful at the same time, if that’s even possible. Cough syrup with codeine makes no difference. Next up: analgesic cough drops. Of course, we all know how well those work.
I don’t know why I’m suddenly sick all the time. Christmas weekend, then two weeks later, then two or three weeks after that, and now again. Whatever this shit is, it can stop at any time. Really. Just stop. I’m not sure i can mentally handle being sick again. I was doing so well for so long! This is disappointing to say the least. I haven’t even taken my methotrexate in two weeks (it has an immunosuppressant effect). Can this shit seriously go away now?
