Month: November 2018

“I’m fine” is the biggest lie of them all

#bipolar, Depression, Health, Mental Health, Musings, Stress, Thoughts

We’ve all done it. We’ve all been a little stressed, a little down, a little depressed. And we’ve all, at some point during these times, have said “I’m fine.”

There are variations of “I’m fine.” There’s “I’m just tired.” There’s “Nothing’s wrong, really.” These are lies.

They’re not meant to be harmful or malicious lies. They’re meant to spare the person who’s asking how you are from having to deal with your problems. And, in a way, they’re meant as an effort to convince yourself that you are fine when you are, in fact, quite not fine.

I’ve been guilty of these lies more times than I can count….in the last week alone, to be honest. When my husband asks how my day at work went, I don’t want to burden him with “I think I’m depressed so even though the day went all right I’m feeling really down.” So I don’t say that. I say “Meh” or “Fine” or some such nonsense–and it is nonsense.

Why don’t I just say what’s really going through my head? Why don’t I say I’m becoming depressed? A large part of it is the whole burden thing. I don’t want to be one. Another factor is the realization that if I admit to being depressed, I’ll be inundated with questions as to why I’m depressed or how the person can help me not be depressed….questions I don’t always have an answer to.

Yet another part of it is that I’m bipolar; being depressed once in a while comes with the package. I mean, that’s been my experience with it. You get depressed for a while, but as long as it doesn’t get into I-want-to-hurt-myself depression then it’s fine to just wait it out, right?

There’s that lie again: “it’s fine.”

I suppose I should quit lying–to myself and to others. I should say when I’m depressed. I should probably even go to the doctor, depending on how depressed I am. But that’s admitting that I can’t handle it. That I can’t get out of the depression on my own. That I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am.

One frustrating part is that even when I’m not “fine,” there are moments sprinkled throughout the day where I am “fine.” I’m not necessarily depressed 100% of the time when I’m depressed. I might be depressed only  when I’m alone, or only when I’m bored, or only when I’m away from home, or only when I’m at home. The depression could be more of a conditional state of being than a constant state.

Am I “fine” right now? Yeah. Sure. 

Am I lying about that?

I don’t really know.

Every vote counts….unless it’s not cast

anxiety, Depression, Education, Politics, Stress

I know, I know, I should have voted. I should have gone after work and cast my vote for….who?

I didn’t read up on the candidates or the propositions. I don’t really watch the news, so I didn’t get any info that way. There are more than a couple of problems with that. One, I can’t cast an informed vote without, y’know, informing myself. Two, I can’t inform myself if I don’t try. The biggest problem, though?

I don’t understand it.

I don’t understand most politics. Yeah, I’ve voted in every presidential election since I was able to vote–but I didn’t always know who I was voting for or why. It takes me extra long to read the ballots when there are propositions to vote on, because I don’t understand what they’re about. I skim over once, then read closer, then closer again–I read until I’m cross-eyed, then I finally get frustrated and pick whatever my husband told me I’m supposed to want to pick. 

That’s not “real” voting in my opinion. “Real” voting is making an informed decision about the future of your city/state/country/etc.

So why don’t I try harder to inform myself?

Partly it’s laziness, I guess. I just don’t want to take the effort to seek out articles and informative brochures or whatever. Partly it’s embarrassment. I don’t understand these things that so many other people do. Partly it’s frustration. I get so frustrated by not comprehending that I give up on it.

Everyone has something they don’t understand easily. Even geniuses, I’m sure. Me? Politics is one of those things. I write a little political stuff into my books, but I don’t truly understand the real-world politics that directly affect me. 

Shame, I guess, was a big factor in not going to vote yesterday. A part of me is ashamed that I don’t get it. 

That being said, please don’t try to explain the current political situation to me. I’ll get frustrated, you’ll get annoyed, and I’ll probably end up crying because I can’t wrap my head around it all. Trust me, you don’t want that. I ugly cry. A lot. And it takes forever to calm me down when I cry from frustration. 

So, my TL;DR? If you want to vote, then learn. Don’t just cast a vote because Sally’s pigeonholed you into it. Cast a vote because you read, because you listened to different viewpoints, because you know what the fuck is going on and you have an idea on who can make it better.

Aftermath

#books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, Convention, Fandom, Geek, Marketing, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Social Media, Stress, Time, Work, Writing

Now that the con is over, I have to focus on Book 2 again. I did some figuring, and overall I made a few hundred bucks at the con selling books. Not quite enough to fully cover what I paid for the books, and definitely not enough to make up for the money I spent on the table reservation for the con itself, but enough that I’m quite happy with it.

Will I go next year? I’d like to. I’d like to go to TusCon, which is a sci-fi-centric con, and I might even like to do a small con at the local community college. That one would be cheaper than Tucson Comic Con was for a table, and I’d hit that sweet college student market. I know some college students, especially the kind who would attend the con, like to read. Voraciously. And a New Adult sci-fi/dystopian novel would hit the college market nicely, I think. We’ll see. I have to discuss with the hubby before I commit to anything on that end.

Phoenix Comicon–er, I mean Phoenix Fan Fusion–is probably not going to happen. Tucson Comic Con just wasn’t profitable enough, and PFF is more expensive and harder to get into. No, it’ll be a few years before I can get in there.

I started back on Book 2 revisions this morning, but it’s an early day at work today, so I didn’t get much done. A few lines, enough to move the story along a bit and get me some momentum for later on, but definitely will need to zero in on that here now.

I’m very excited for Book 2 now that more people are reading Abnormal. Maybe I’ll gain a new fanbase–I certainly had enough middle-aged and older men buying the book this past weekend. And at least one eighty-something grandma. I hope she doesn’t get a heart attack reading the racy bits…I kinda didn’t warn her about them. I mean, I didn’t even think about it until she was walking off with book in hand. Eh, I’m sure it’s nothing she hasn’t read before. I hope.

Speaking of new fanbase…I’ve really got to get back in the habit of reaching out to book bloggers and other influencers every day. I have been slacking on that as of late, and I can’t just leave it to the publisher; they’ve got a lot of new projects on their plate, so I need to pull my considerable weight and get more eyes on Abnormal. 

That will have to wait until at least tomorrow, though. Today I have to work. Silly day job, paying the bills and all that.

It’s the end of the Con as I know it

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, Convention, Crafting, Fandom, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Sewing, Stress, Time, Work, Writing

Well, the con is over. The end. Finit. And though I didn’t sell out of books, I did pretty well for a first-time con vending author. 

The bookmarks were a bust, but I sold 2/3 of the books I brought. Out of the thirty five I brought, there are twelve left. Not too shabby.

I learned some things. I learned that maybe I should have just gone with the book and not tried making an add-on item to sell. I learned how to talk to potential customers in an engaging manner. And I leaned that when a person says they’ll come back to your table…. they’re not coming back. Lol

Waiting on a friend to meet me and my husband for dinner before we head home. It was a fun weekend overall, but I miss my bed and my kitties. Rory and River will be glad to see us.

Will I do another con in the future? Maybe. If I take what I learned from this con, maybe I can rock the next one.

Maybe next year I can have both Abnormal and the sequel at the table. Sell two books at once.

Maybe.

Con Log: Day 2

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Art, Celebrity, Convention, Crafting, Fandom, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Sewing, Social Media, Stress, Time, Work, Writing

So today went much better than yesterday. I sold nine books at the con, which I think is not too bad for an unknown author her first time vending.

Wore the top hat that’s on the book jacket, and people seemed to like it. I got more comfortable with my pitch to customers as the day went on, and I’m hoping tomorrow brings those wait-til-the-last-day-of-con-to-make-purchases shoppers. You know, the ones who asked if I would be there all weekend. The ones who said they’d come back. Those shoppers.

As before, I end the day exhausted, but in better spirits than yesterday. Tomorrow we’ll see how I end the con, and we’ll see what we can learn from how this one went.

Con Log: Day 1

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, Convention, Crafting, Fandom, Geek, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Stress, Time, Writing

Well, the first day of the con (technically it was only 5 hours of active “selling” time, but still) is over, and I had a…well, I don’t know if it was mediocre or subpar or what, because it’s my first con as a vendor. I sold a few books, but I’m hoping tomorrow (Saturday) is a better day. I was told by some other vendors and some con staff that Saturdays are usually busier at this event.

Here’s a pic of my setup:

I might mess around with it a bit tomorrow and try to make it more appealing. I mean, it looks neat and all, but…I just feel there could be “more.”

If you were an attendee today and you picked up a flyer, Hi! Hope to see you back at the table tomorrow or Sunday (maybe to buy a book?…..) Forgot who I was? Here’s me earlier today:

It took me seven tries to get this to upload upright and stay put. I think that’s a sign it’s bedtime. Goodnight, all, and I hope to see you on the morrow!

Jitterbug

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Art, Art for sale, book trailer, Celebrity, Convention, cover art, Crafting, embroidery, Fandom, Geek, Insomnia, Learning, Mental Health, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Sewing, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Work, Writing

The time has almost come! After work today, my husband and I will leave for Tucson, and in the morning we’ll get up bright and early to go over to Tucson Comic Con and set up our table.

The Con Jitters hit me just last night.

I was fine. Honestly, I was. I was excited but prepared. Business licenses procured, books procured, bookmarks made, PayPal reader set up, etc….but as I was printing flyers and what have you last night I started to get that THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP in my chest that indicated the start of anxiety. I’m not entirely sure why I’m so anxious. I have almost everything I will need. The only thing I’m really missing is cash and change, and that I can have the hubby grab from a bank before the exhibitor hall opens to the public.

Booth setup shouldn’t be too long. I just have books, bookmarks, and some signs. Small, 8.5″ x 11″ signs, that I can either tape or pin to the tablecloth. I’m a little worried that the tape I’m bringing won’t be strong enough, but it’s what I have, and to be honest I could probably just set the signs down on the table and be fine. Still, I’d like to affix them to the tablecloth somehow to get them to stay put. But safety pins are packed. Tape is packed.

I’ve got an apron for keeping my phone, PayPal reader, and markers close at hand. I’ve got receipt books (for whoever might actually want a receipt, though the days of the written receipt are going by the wayside). I’ve got a notebook to jot down any notes that I haven’t already thought of, with my Tucson business license info and the TCC exhibitor packet and some sundry other items in it.

I’ll have my laptop Friday and Sunday, and while my husband has it at an SCA event Saturday I’ll have his tablet. Why the laptop and tablet, you may ask? Well, someone gave me the brilliant idea to have my book trailer playing at the table. To conserve battery I might not have it on a continuous loop, but I can at least pop it on for those who might be interested in the book but are iffy on buying it. 

Books. I have books. I have bookmarks. I have a tablecloth. I’ll have a portable battery for making sure my devices stay charged. I have embroidery to do that I can use to keep myself occupied if things get slow, so I don’t waste battery power on playing with my phone. I have sell sheets and author info flyers. I have my clothes for the weekend packed and ready to go in the car.

I’ve got all this stuff…so why am I not feeling ready? Why am I so anxious over the whole thing?

Anxiety’s a bitch. She gets you all worked up but doesn’t tell you why she’s got you all worked up, and she doesn’t follow the rules of logic. If I’m pretty much ready for the con, why am I anxious? Who knows. Maybe once I clean out the car and pack it I’ll be better off.

Who am I kidding? I’ll be nervous until the con’s well and truly started. Lol