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Depression Mental Health Social Media Stress Thoughts

Stuck between a rock and a volunteer position

Burnout. It happens. So what do you do when your options are limited?
Here’s the situation: that drama I talked about? Well, the “resolution” that was agreed upon didn’t really resolve all that much, and it leaves me stuck. The person who was causing the drama is still around and, though they’re not supposed to directly interact with my husband, they’re still present–a proverbial thorn in the side, if you will.
This wouldn’t be too bad, save for one thing…I am beyond the point of burnout with the volunteer officer position I hold in our local group, but the only other person I can see willing to step up to the plate if I step down is–you guessed it–the drama factory. And since my position interacts closely with my husband’s position (yeah, he’s an officer too), I can’t risk this person taking over if I leave the position. I’ve been told by a kingdom officer that they will never again hold that position, but the risk is too great. It would open doors for them to passive-aggressively harass my husband, which I do not want to be responsible for.
I meant to talk to the kingdom officer in question during the war, but I just didn’t have the opportunity. She was busy, or I was busy, or I didn’t know where to find her in the ginormous site. Regardless of the why, I didn’t talk to her yet, though I feel the need to, and soon.
At this point, try as I might, I’m just paying lip service to the position. I didn’t even do anything with it throughout the war, which I know is bad, but I wanted to be able to enjoy my first Estrella War. I wanted to be able to experience as much as possible, and stopping to do X-Y-Z for this position would have hindered that.
Things are hairy in the barony as it is. Sides have been taken in this drama dispute, and it was clear by the hush that fell over the room when we walked into baronial court where most of the barony–at least those who attended baronial court at war–stand…and it’s not with us. Sure, we have our close friends who stick by us, but there are others who, for whatever reason, hold resentment towards us that is blatantly obvious. Sideways glances, or sometimes avoidance of glances, were all the indication we needed that we are no longer “welcome” in the barony we have called home. It’s a little disheartening, especially when the creator of the main drama has a known history of causing problems. Now, I’m not saying that this person is responsible for all the ill will…but they certainly exacerbated whatever issues may have been underlying.
That makes my wish to leave my officer position that much more difficult of a decision to make. If the majority of the barony, or at least the active members, are against us, then who would take over the position if I left and this other person was not allowed to come back to the position? I can barely think of a couple of people who might take on the position, let alone enough to have a pool of candidates. No, I think that for the time being I’m stuck.
I guess until I come up with a solution I’ll just have to keep trudging along, dragging myself through the muck and mire. I’m trying to hold up hope that things will work out, but I fear I’m going to be where I’m at for a long, long time to come.

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#nerd Art costuming Crafting Education Exercise fencing Friendship Geek Learning martial arts SCA Sewing swordfighting Time

Back to mundane life

Ah, modern life. Sleep number bed. Smart thermostat. Long, hot shower.
Yeah, it’s true that I will miss being at war with my SCA family, but I am still glad to be home. I can get back to my normal routine and worry less about freezing in the middle of the night. (And yes, it can get to freezing temperatures in the desert at night.) I got a new cloak out of it though, so that’s a bonus. Reversible with cotton on one side and wool on the other. Warm.
Today is a day for recuperating before jumping back into modern life full-on. The house is still in progress, work is still there, and bills still need to get paid. Can’t run away to a camping event forever, unfortunately.
For the most part everything’s back to normal, but I’m far from done with SCA stuff. I have things to sew, research to do, swording to learn. Basically, even though I’m back in the now, there’s still plenty of the then to keep me busy for quite some time.
I haven’t found a Laurel yet, but I’ll admit I didn’t try too hard to seek them out at war. I was too busy absorbing all that Estrella War had to offer me. Tournaments, melee fighting, shopping, Grand Court, etc. I’m proud of myself for not having a freak-out with all the people around me, but I still have a long way to go before I’m comfortable enough to try approaching strangers about stuff. I may start talking to the Laurels that I know, though, to get an idea of what I need to do to get on the path to that path.
I’m already “officially” on the path to a white scarf in that a good friend of mine accepted me as her rapier student. It’s kind of exciting to be on a set path and not just swinging blindly.
Eventually I’ll get there. It’s not like I’m on a set timetable here. Some people take a decade or more to become a peer in the Society, so I don’t have to rush myself.

Categories
Exercise fencing SCA swordfighting

Wanderlust

It’s day two of my first Estrella War, and I’m having a good time. I’m even venturing out by myself to explore, which is a big step for socially-anxious me.
My husband has been busy, so first I found my friends at Rapier Camp, then I wandered around Merchant’s Row on my ownsome to browse and look for a cloak to wear in this freezing cold weather. Sadly, pay day doesn’t come until tomorrow, so hopefully one of the three I saw that I liked will still be available.
Today I made my way back to Rapier Camp–this time armed (literally) with my rapier and gear–and participated in a women’s fighting tournament after watching several men fight in skirts. Then, after a quick lunch, I went to another camp to watch a cut and thrust longsword tournament. I left before it was done, though, because I got really tired and decided it was nap time.
I’m not sure what I’ll do tonight. Maybe cruise Merchant’s Row again and see if the things I want are still there, maybe get in touch with my rapier friends and see what they’re up to. Maybe I’ll read, or sew, or sleep. Who knows.
Tomorrow brings the first day of melee fighting, where I’ll earn an Oleander (and after cross stitching ten of them, I am damn sure going to earn one). I might do some marshalling, or I might spectate once I get tired. Then at least one tournament, then I get my red scarf, then… I don’t know.
It’s kinda refreshing not having much that I have to do. There’s one shift of guard duty for the Queen, but otherwise it’s like stuff like courts and meals.
So far Estrella is fun. The drama ended kind of at an anticlimax, because not too much got truly resolved, but enough did that I’m relieved nonetheless.

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#design #publishing costuming Crafting Novel Sci-fi Sewing Stress Time Writing

And tomorrow…war!

As I sip my coffee and get ready to get ready for the busy work day ahead, I am overjoyed by the fact that I managed to finish my husband’s fighting tunic on time–early, even! Okay, so it’s only a day early, but still, it’s done. Not sewing at the last minute on the drive up to war, not sewing it at war…done.
There is still some trim to get sewn onto his “Grand Court” tunic, and some minor embroidery to do on the bottom hem, but that isn’t going to be worn until Saturday night, so I have time to finish at war (and actually planned to, anyway). BUT the major major had-to-be-done-before-we-left sewing is complete. The War Crunch (the SCA version of the Con Crunch) is pretty much over with. I may even be starting to get excited about it.
The drama still looms. Less than 36 hours away…not something I want to think about. But it sits in the back of my mind, festering, and I’m sure it won’t go away until the whole mess is over.
I fear that it won’t be over, though.
I shouldn’t let that get to me though. Then the other person will have won. I should just enjoy my war and try to keep a stiff upper lip, or whatever.
Book 1’s editing has taken a back seat to other, more pressing projects, which is disappointing but something that I guess as an author working with a publishing company I just have to deal with. I can’t force everybody to my timetable–self publishing spoiled me for that, I think. I’ll wait, though. Bide my time, occupy myself with other things–maybe even get back to work on Book 2 rewrites.
Time will tell.

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#design autoimmune costuming Crafting Health Insomnia Mental Health SCA Sewing Sleep

Collared

Well, I’m getting closer…the end is in sight! Except this one little problem: someone got a little scissor-happy when she was cutting the neckline for her husband’s tunic and now must figure out a way to add on fabric without making it look weird.
I’m sure I can do it, but not right now–not at 0100. Maybe in a few hours I will have the functional capacity to design, cut, stamp, and sew a new collar/neckline/whatever. As it is, I’m quite irritated with my body for waking me up an hour ago for no good reason. I’ve been sleeping pretty well the past several nights, but tonight it’s back to waking up around midnight wide awake and unable to drift back off.
The sad thing is, between the bipolar disorder (panic attacks or racing thoughts at bedtime if I don’t take my Klonopin) and the rheumatoid arthritis (back/shoulder aches if I don’t take my Flexeril) I take enough crap to knock out a rhino. Ok, maybe not that much…but it’s a lot for the average Joe. I also have temazepam that I can take as needed for sleep, but I’ve found that it doesn’t help me stay asleep so much as helping me fall asleep–which I generally don’t need help with. I can fall asleep just fine most nights. It’s that tricky staying asleep thing that gets me. I’ll sleep four to five hours and then wake up all energized and crap. So not fair.
Once my husband gets up and tries on the tunic (with his gorget, so I can see how much collar I need to drum up), I can get to work on it. Right now? Now I have to find something to do to alleviate the boredom until he wakes up.
Good thing I still have a couple projects pending. On to sewing trim onto a different tunic!

Categories
#design costuming Crafting Exercise fencing Novel SCA Sci-fi Sewing Stress swordfighting Tattoo Time Writing

Sword arm

Finally! After weeks of waiting and rescheduling and poor timing, my sword tattoo is done! The tattoo artist’s name is Amanda Jiminez at Battleship Tattoo (to give credit where credit’s due) and here’s the outcome:
IMG_20180216_201207661.jpg
I’m ecstatic! I love it and can’t wait to show it off at Estrella War next week.
This has taken a majority of my mind off of the continuing drama, but I know it’s just a proverbial band-aid on a bullet wound. If that’s a proverb….if not, it should be. Can we coin that phrase? Let’s coin that.
I still have a few things to make/stitch, but the majority of it is done. A tunic to finish (though most of it is cut out and much of it is sewn) and some trim to stitch onto another tunic…that’s about it that I can think of right now. Oh, and some little piddly stuff to do, but that stuff is minor and less time-consuming than the above-mentioned stuff. These things also can help take my mind off of the drama things, though only temporarily, and mostly only when I have to get out the seam ripper. Gods, I hate seam ripping.
Book 1 is still in the editor’s hands, but I’m waiting patiently because I know she’s been quite sick recently. I totally understand that and have no ill feelings on it (ha! pun!). I’d like to get back to writing, but….maybe after Estrella. Right now, my time is pulled in other directions.
Two more work days until we leave for war.
Let the games begin.

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#design costuming Crafting SCA Sewing Stress Time

Racing at a snail's pace

Okay, I admit I should be sewing right now. I should be pinning the sleeves back onto my husband’s fighting tunic (after seam ripping them off–lining & all–because the shoulders were too tight). I should be going over the checklist of stuff for the war that we need to get finished. But I’m not.
I’m reclining in bed, feet stretched out, back propped up on some pillows, and it feels nice to take a breather. I’ve made two pairs of pants, a tunic (that I had to take apart because of fit issues), painted banners, embroidered things, mended stuff….It has been a lot these past few weeks, and the days leading up to war are tick-tick-ticking away. Time. Is. Short. Shorter and shorter.
It’s not that I’m procrastinating on purpose. I just needed to give my back and shoulder a break after some early morning sewing. I’m also taking into account the fact that I only work in the morning today, so I’ll have all afternoon and evening to work on the tunic. I think I can get it done before war, but we’ll have to see. At worst, my husband will have to deal with using the tunic he already has for fighting, though I know he doesn’t like it much. I’m not super proud of being behind like this, but I also don’t want to kill myself with pain doing all this. Because I damn near have already.
Painting banners is not comfortable. Sewing, despite my familiarity with the machine and my current “work station,” is not comfortable. Embroidery? That I can do comfortably, provided I’m, like, lying down or something. So a lot of work that has been done and has yet to be done, all of which can aggravate my RA. I’ve been trucking through so far, but now I’m losing steam on things. I have to book it. I have to get all this done.
Just a few more things, I tell myself as I prepare to go back into the craft room. Just a few more things.
I’m working as fast as I can, but I’m going so slow….

Categories
Bullying Depression Stress Time

Inquisitive

I’ll be so glad when next Thursday afternoon is over. So glad. Some of the drama has been predictable, but some has, like the Spanish Inquisition, been … unexpected.
Can’t really talk about it all, though, so I’m vagueblogging today.
It’s total b.s. that things have gotten to where they’re at. Complete and utter b.s. Even worse, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit by and watch and hope for the best. The waiting sucks. The not knowing what will be sucks. And during the time that the things all come to a head? I won’t be able to be there for that, so I will spend most of that time fretting (and possibly drinking).
I hate not being able to be there. Much as I hate drama and being involved, I’ve come to discover that sitting on the sidelines for said drama can suck even more when you are invested in the outcome.
I gotta keep telling myself it’ll be okay. That even if it’s not, there are options to make things more bearable. Not necessarily better, but more bearable.
This witch hunt can’t last forever.

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#design costuming Crafting Novel Sci-fi Sewing Stress Time Writing

Thank Gods for the weekend

It’s almost the weekend. Just a meeting and half a work day (theoretically), then I’m free until Tuesday.
Well, not completely free. I have sewing to do, of course (though I’m farther along than I expected to be), and my husband and I are going out of town so we can do some “war prep” of another kind, and I have an appointment to get yet another mole removed. That all aside, though, I am mostly free.
I’ll be so glad when war is over. I’m sure in the long run it’ll be fun, but there’s the pre-war stress that is really getting to me. Deadlines and projects and drama are all pressing in to create a ticking time bomb that hopefully won’t explode. Implode? Some kind of plode-ing.
The writing has, sadly, been put on hold while I try to get our garb and other things ready for war. Book 1 is in editor’s hands right now, but she is sick so it will be a few days before I anticipate any kind of return. Health comes first; I, of all people, should know that. Book 2 is still stalled because I have to basically reboot, and I’m not 100% sure how to go about it. I know what needs to happen, but how to preserve as much of what I’ve already written without having to do a complete rewrite? Yeah, not so much.
There will also be projects post-war, of course. Apron dress, underdress, “bib”-thingie, embroidery on all of the above, A&S projects, illumination/calligraphy, etc. etc. etc. Lots to keep me occupied.
If I can just survive the war, that is….

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autoimmune Depression Health Mental Health Stress Time

Mouth wide shut

I know I’ve been quiet lately, but all I can say is that I’ve been busy. Life keeps plowing forward and I have to try to keep up.
Stress is building exponentially, and good ol’ Arthur isn’t letting me forget it. I’m dealing with more arthritis pain than I think I can attribute to “just the weather,” and I truly believe this added pain is due to the spike in stress. It’s quite frustrating because I have Things to Do (yes, these Things are important enough to capitalize) and the pain interferes with my ability to do those Things.
I’ve got to just grit my teeth and bear it, though, because life, as I mentioned, is not stopping to give me a break. I keep hoping that stuff settles down in the next few weeks. That the Things get done despite the pain. That I can return to some semblance of normalcy…or at least as normal as I get 😉