But I’m Not

I could be doing something productive

But I’m not

I could be doing something fun

But I’m not

I could be doing something worthwhile

But I’m not

I’m not doing any of those things

Because inside I’m cold, empty, sad

I don’t know why I’m not happy

But I’m not


No, I’m not crushed. My poor corset grommets are! I bought an eyelet setter to make it easier to secure the grommets on my corset, and while they are indeed now more secure, they also are warped and, well, crushed.

It’s disappointing, because now they look terrible and I know it will count against me if I enter into a cosplay contest at Phoenix Comicon. I was so proud that only a few were distorted after my hammering, but the hammering just wasn’t cutting it. I needed that tool, but I guess the grommets were the wrong size for it. I put some eyelets on the flaps of the pants I made for my husband, and those set perfectly. So sad.

On the bright side, I am nearly done with all the cosplay things I need to make for Phoenix Comicon (and Dragon Con later in the year). A few hems, a bag for my husband to carry his phone/wallet/keys during the cons, and the waistband for my skirt (possibly redoing the skirt entirely–I haven’t decided yet). I might even make myself a belt for mine. Haven’t decided if I’ll do that or just buy a belt.

I’m feeling more confident and accomplished the more I sew. I even think the top I made to go under the corset will turn out pretty nice, despite having no pattern and just piecing together leftover fabric from my husband’s tunic. It’s going to have a weird seam in the middle of the back, but I’ll be wearing the corset and a shrug over it, so that part will barely show.

Can’t wait for Comicon!

Smooth over that belly

I’ve started a new “diet” this week. I hate calling it a diet, because I associate that word with depriving yourself of the things you love. Instead, I’m adding something I love to my routine and cutting back on junk.

We recently got a blender for the apartment, and I thought to myself, “You idiot, you love smoothies! Make some damn healthy smoothies & stop eating junk for lunch every day.”

So far, so good. Every day that I’ve made a smoothie for work, I’ve been able to resist the temptation of snacks & baked goods in the break room & just drink my fruits & veggies. And they’re good. I mean they’re not only good for me, but they taste delicious. Pretty easy to make, too. A splash of milk, handful of some kind of veggie, handful or 2 of some fruit, a tablespoon (roughly) of peanut butter–for protein–and a small cup of yogurt to top it off. All things I like, but I have trouble forcing myself to eat fruits & veggies by themselves. This is a way to get myself to eat healthier & enjoy it.

I still eat junk from time to time. An ice cream sandwich here or there if we have them in the apartment. A frozen pizza for dinner if the hubby’s not cooking anything (I know, I know, I could have another smoothie instead, but I’m still not sure how long I can go between meals when I have a smoothie. It seems to work between lunch & dinner, but I don’t know if it would get me through the night.)

What sparked this diet change? I am sick and tired of being fat and gross. I know it’s adversely affecting my health–even though I can’t necessarily feel it–but it’s mostly the shame of seeing myself in the mirror when I’m getting ready for the day. I need to lose my flabby belly. Yes, I know, I need to exercise as well…but baby steps, man, baby steps. I am a creature of habit, so I need to make small changes to my routine until they’re ingrained. Then they’ll be easier to keep up with.

I’m hoping to be at least 20 pounds lighter by Comicon. It’s a lofty goal, but I have three months and a lot of determination. And a blender.

Can’t Con-tain My Excitement

It’s a little more than 3 months until Phoenix Comicon, our cosplays are almost done, and I’m getting increasingly excited about this year’s con.

I want to enter a cosplay contest, if possible. I may not win, but it’ll be great to take part and be able to say that I broke through some of my social anxiety to attempt such a thing. I also can’t wait to meet some of the con/cosplay friends I’ve made through my Cosplay Closet Essentials interviews for Talk Nerdy With Us and through the Blue Ribbon Army group on Facebook. (Don’t know about BRA? Check out my post on Talk Nerdy With Us!) And, of course, there’s at least one celebrity that I have to get a photo op with!

Also exciting? This will be my first year attending as a media member! Talk Nerdy With Us has given me so many opportunities, and this one is by far the best. I may be able to interview some great guests of the con, and it will be awesome to do a special Phoenix Comicon edition of Cosplay Closet Essentials. I’ll also get to meet one of my Talk Nerdy With Us coworkers.

In addition to Phoenix Comicon, I’ll also be attending Dragon Con in Atlanta this year (not as media, but it will still be awesome). I’ll get to see my BFF in Alabama on the way (can you say “road trip”?), and we’ll get to spend some time together at the con. I’ll also be able to meet more of the Talk Nerdy With Us team, as many of them are considering going to Dragon Con. TNWU con party!

I’ve gone from having near-crippling social anxiety to trying to gain as much attention as possible by dressing to the nines with cosplays that I have created and wearing an official BRA lanyard to identify myself to other BRA members and possibly make new friends.

Cons are amazing things, and I can’t wait for Phxcc!

In the quiet before dawn

Despite my former hatred of mornings, I’ve come to embrace the time before the sun rises as “me” time, a time when I can get things done that otherwise wouldn’t get finished. I write. I draw. I mess around on the Internet–a lot. Some of my most productive non-work hours are now predawn.

Sure, I’m sleepy when I first get up and sometimes I’m able to get back to sleep, but for the most part once I’m up I’m up and that’s all there is to it. Might as well make use of the time somehow, right?

Yesterday morning I got about two thousand words written on the new manuscript. Will I get as many today? Doubtful, because I have to go in to work early, but still, it’s a start. I may take some time to stare at the computer screen waiting for a name to come to me.

As my husband snores softly next to me, slow and even, I wonder if I should be trying to get back to sleep. Then I remember that there are whole worlds that I have to create in these early morning hours. So here I am: bright eyed (more or less) and bushy tailed (I guess squirrels are early risers?) and raring to go.

It’s slow going, but I hope to finish the first draft of my manuscript by the end of the year. If this novel is anything like my first one, once I muddle past the first half a dozen chapters it will flow much more smoothly.

A Whole New World

I think I’m getting there. It’s been a rough road these past couple of months, but I’m finally starting to get inside the world I’m writing. I’m understanding where the characters are coming from and their motivations.

I still have a long way to go, though. I don’t even have a name for where the story takes place. I have a bunch of places in the story that say “[insert city-state name here],” but I haven’t gotten a good name for said city-state yet. I’m just plugging along, hoping it comes to me eventually. Then a little “Find and Replace” will take care of that part.

The first two chapters are really short, which is a problem, but I keep trying to tell myself to just get the story down and worry about chapter length once the first draft is done. I’m terrible at listening to myself, though. Lol

At least I have something to fill my early mornings once again. I think I’ll be able to move along more quickly now that I have my head more immersed in the world I’m creating. But we’ll see. I still have 10 months to reach my goal of having a complete first draft by the end of 2016.

Cosplay Conundrum

I’ve almost finished my husband’s cosplay, but I have hit a snag. Not in the fabric, but a snag in the works. I have to somehow make the legs of the pants longer than they are without making it look Frankensteined. I thought I had an idea, but I have no clue how to implement it.

Somehow, I have to make leg wraps that attach to the bottom of the pant legs that don’t fall apart or come undone during con wear. Easy-peasy, right? Not really.

My own cosplay skirt still sits unfinished, and I’m still just as perplexed as to how I’m going to finish it. I know I want to make an elastic waistband, but I guess I’ll have to hit YouTube to figure out how to make the elastic waistband. I have the elastic, I have the skirt, but beyond that I got nothin’. I’ve never done this before (though that hasn’t stopped me so far), but I think I’ve burned myself out on being clever with this cosplay.

I’ll be glad when it’s done, but after this comes next year’s cosplays. My husband wants us to cosplay as a couple every year, with me making a new cosplay each year. I don’t mind it, and it sounds like a lot of fun (I’m so glad he’s getting excited about cosplaying with me), but right now, at this moment, I am just plain tired.

Sick and Tired of Writer’s Block

My new manuscript has been stalled for pretty much a solid month or more, and I didn’t really know where to start–or rather, restart. The first few chapters were paced wrong, and there was a character in there that really wasn’t integral to the story. He was just kind of shoved in there.

So, how do I start over? Do I keep what I have and revise the hell out of it? Do I start from scratch? What do I do? So I spent a month weighing my options and trying to make up my damn mind.

Today, I was finally able to restart the manuscript from the beginning, and I think it’s turning out pretty well. The odd thing? I was only able to start writing again after being incredibly sick for nearly a week. Is it my muse returning … or is it the promethazine-codeine cough syrup? I may never know…

Regardless of where the surge in creativity is coming from today, I’m taking full advantage. Are these three chapters any better than the three previously-written ones? Not necessarily, but it’s a better start. I have a better place to build from. My word count sucks for these chapters compared to the other ones, but I think the story is stronger and I can make it into something more with revisions later down the road. This particular rocky start is a better rocky start than the rocky start I started with. Or something.

Will this mean that I’ll have my first draft by the end of the year as I had hoped? Maybe, maybe not. But it does mean that I have momentum again, and momentum is much needed right now.

Maybe this illness has been a blessing in disguise, a sign to myself to take stock of what’s going on in my life and take a step back. I’ve been stretching myself a bit thin, not having any days where I’m not doing anything, and this small break, doctor-advised though it may be, has shown me that if I can relax I can accomplish more. Yesterday I did almost nothing work-related (with the exception of inking one drawing and scanning in the others for a commission I’ve been a part of), and it felt great. No writing. No cosplay. No sculpting. Just catching up on living life–although I was living part of it in the doctor’s waiting room.

And now, back to codeine-induced inspiration!


Here it is again. Another nasty cold. Happy Valentine’s day to me.

I am grateful that I have a caring husband who makes sure I get enough rest, but it really kills the Valentine’s mood.

I feel like Typhoid Mary. I probably spread this virus throughout half of Tucson yesterday despite my efforts to cover my cough and use cough drops to try to prevent said cough. Note that I said “try.”

It’s not really all that bad, I guess. I’m functional. I can make it through the day. I’m not literally dying. There are people worse off than I. But I can still bitch and moan on occasion, right?

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I had gone so long without any real illness (besides the RA), and now three bugs in less than two months. This one isn’t as bad as what I had over Christmas weekend–Good Goddess, that was horrible–but it still sucks.

Time to take better care of myself. I’m planning on starting either a smoothie or juicing diet of sorts to get more nutrients. I really don’t eat very healthy, so maybe some fruits and veggies will help build the old immune system.

For now, though, time for a restful nap between laundry loads.

I really should do something productive…

Yet again I’m up early (this most recent time is not Rory’s fault), but instead of working on art or cosplay I’m just dicking around on the computer.

Not that I don’t have four months to finish the cosplays…I have much less time to work on the art, but it’s hard to find good lighting in the apartment while not waking up my husband. I’d go to the craft room, but it’s covered in, well, cosplay stuff.

I think I’ll try to get the base drawings done tonight, then work on the backgrounds when I have time. (That part is easier to do in the dark, because I can use Photoshop on the computer without worrying about disturbing the hubby.) I’m getting much better at making backgrounds with PS, which is good because I thought my drawings were “missing” something, and the backgrounds really help them to pop.

Might ask my husband to scan the drawings I haven’t scanned yet while I’m at work today. The scanner doesn’t want to work with my new laptop lately, and it’s frustrating. He’s much more tech savvy than I, so I’m sure he can figure it out easily. (As I type this, the laptop popped up with a notice saying that “Scan to computer is no longer active.” Sigh.)

Soon I’ll be finished. Soon.